Thursday, February 13, 2014

Valentines-Schmalentines

     Tomorrow is Valentines day.  The day when all the nice loving couples express their love via slowly dying plant sexual organs (flowers) and ground up trees (paper cards).  Not to mention the oh-so-thoughtful gift of trans fats and high cholesterol in the form of chocolates.

     Most of them will even exchange gifts!  Propping up the severely flawed economy and debt system that is keeping most of the world in metaphorical chains.  Some of them will even go out on dates, further propping up the debt-ridden economy, and also adding stress to the already below minimum wage workers who serve food in restaurants.

     Then there's the people who buy JEWELRY for their loved ones.  Supporting bloodthirsty cartels who exploit native populations and child labor in their obscenely dangerous diamond mines.  All the while hoarding so many diamonds that, if released, would flood the market to the point where they become worthless.  This keeps the scarcity of diamonds (and thus their price) artificially high.

     But won't she look just LOVELY wearing all the blood of those innocent children around her neck?

 - - - - -

     Wow.  Ok.  I have no idea where that came from.  I am a happily married man, and I love my wife.  I don't think valentines day is a waste of time.  I'm seriously weirded out by that.  I think it's because I have a cold, and when I have a fever some seriously weird shit goes through my mind.

     Anyway, ignore the preceding and have a happy valentines day, everybody!

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

The Mana Bar - Jodan Part One

     Story time

 - - - - -

     The Mana Bar sits on the junction of reality road and fantasy ave.  it is a peculiar building, small, squat, and dingy on the outside, yet somehow almost cavernous on the inside.  There is always a dark booth or table for you to occupy alone with your thoughts and a strong drink.  It's a place that doesn't obey the physical laws of the universe, because it the place where summoned creatures from fantasy games wait between battles.  It's a cycle that just kinda works, the Mana Bar's clientele is large and varied, yet with a pretty high turnover rate.

     Sometimes, though, someone wants out.

     This causes problems.

     Jodan was a fire mage.  He used to be a pretty big fish in the small pond of his home village with his innate fire powers.  He made a pretty good living clearing brush, lighting fireplaces, doing tricks for kids, and the like, but he always wanted more.  Jodan had heard of the firey temples of Ragnakor, where the mages could bend fire to their will and make flames dance the rumbah, Jodan wanted to see that.  So Jodan always kinda wanted to go on a pilgrimage.

     The thing is, Fire magic is kinda chaotic.

     Jodan wasn't entirely stable.  You see, what he REALLY wanted was to burn things.  All kinds of things, including but not limited to: people.

     Jodan was in the woods around his village one day, burning some shit, when a really big bear decided that Jodan looked a lot like his next meal.  For the first time Jodan used his fire magic to kill something.

     Let me tell you, that bear was hella surprised when it went charging across a meadow at some food, then was suddenly exploding in a million bear chunks because said food had flash boiled it from the inside out.

     Jodan REALLY liked blowing up the bear.

     So Jodan decided to go to those fabled Temples of Ragnakor.

     Jodan left on his pilgrimage to see the world (and blow up large chunks of it).

     After a few misadventures and travels (wherein a few bandits, a Lott of wildlife, and one travelling theatre troupe were incinerated) Jodan at last made it to the Fabled Temples of Ragnakor.  Which turned out to be three small huts with a red velvet rope around them and a $15 entry fee for tourists.

     Jodan was PISSED.  And when Jodan got pissed, things got a little...  Heated.

     Jodan left the Fabled Molten Craters of Ragnakor fifteen minutes later, with the stone still steaming.

     Two days later, Jodan met a woman who's hair was MADE OF FIRE.  He was smitten.  She told him she was impressed with his power, and if he would work for her she would make him even more powerful.

     Jodan agreed, and promptly signed a contract devoting three years of his life to her service.

     At first it was fun.  Jodan spent his time in The Mana Bar, drinking and swapping tales of blowing shit up, sometimes he would be summoned to battle with dragons and fantastical creatures, but most of it eventually fell to enough blowing-it-up-ness.  Things were good for about a year.

     Jodan, however, eventually got bored.

     So Jodan wanted out.  He wanted out of his contract, he wanted out of the damn bar, and he wanted out of this life.

     To be continued.

 - - - - -

     So, power is flickering here, because of an ice storm.  So ima cut this one off until later.  Until next time, lovelies!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Incandescent RAGE!

     GoddamnsunofabitchingfuckerstompingWHORE!

     *Ahem*

     I found a bunch of my old Nintendo GameCube games and decided to get some use out of my Wii (which has been a Netflix machine in my daughters room for over a year now).  I moved the wii into the living room and have been having fun playing through Zelda: Ocarina of Time (which I never finished) and Mario Kart: Double Dash.

     FUCKING DOUBLE DASH CAN EAT A BAG OF WET FLOPPY KANGAROO DICKS!

     Some of you may have heard of the term "Rubberbanding A.I.".  There is even an entire page devoted to this on www.tvtropes.com called "The Computer Is A Cheating Bastard".  Basically it's when, in a video game, if you are doing well, the computer opponents will suddenly become much more difficult.  More than just Getting harder as the game goes on, in Mario kart this can happen within the frame of a single race.

     At the higher speed settings, the computer A.I starts off as a moderate challenge.  But, if you pull more than a bit ahead watch it!  Suddenly the computer is driving faster than the top speeds in the game, able to pull off miracle deflection shots with items, gets the best items like blue shells and lightening bolts (when they are in the top 3, where, as a player, you are only allowed those items if you are in LAST place and nowhere else), teams up with other drivers to target your kart to the exclusion of the rest of the field (even if they are AHEAD of you), and even the lighter enemies can suddenly knock you off the course.

     I think the term "Controller-Snappingly Frustrating" applies here.

     I'm sick of this shit.  I'm done.

     I'm gonna go read a book.

Monday, February 10, 2014

ReallyShortUpdateTodayHaHaa

     Totally busy and got WAAY too much stuff to get done.  Project: Shortest-Update-Ever is go!

     So, one of my favorite recent movies is Wreck-It Ralph.  You don't need me to review it, go watch this masterpiece if you haven't allready.

     But is it me, or is there anybody else who keeps trying to spell the title 'Wreck-It Wralph'?

     I 'unno.  Maybe I'm just weird.

     Goodnite everybody!

Sunday, February 9, 2014

The Crash - Part II

     Story time...

     Again...

     *Yaay*

 - - - - -

     Day Four

     Third officers log, USS Deliverance.  Approximately April 6th 2165.

     It's been four days since the crash.  I spent most of the time searching through the cooling wreckage for supplies and (with diminishing hope) other survivors.  I ripped a subspace beacon from what used to be the communications room.  I was happy to learn that it was mostly intact, but my excitement was tempered when I remembered that finding a decent power source on this sub-industrial rock would be damn near impossible.

     I don't have a lot of time to record today, I'm just taking a meal break before diving back into the wreckage.  Unfortunately, the half of the ship I crashed in landed in some sort of swamp or bog, and the ship is...

     Well...  The ship is sinking.  I estimate that I have another day or two at most before the ship is too submerged to continue the search.  Hmm...  Maybe I can access the rear through the secondary shuttle pad...  Anyway, wish me luck.

 * * * * *

     Day Six

     Third officers log, USS Deliverance.  April 8th, 2165

     With an unsatisfying final burp, the remains of the Deliverance finished sinking into the mire this morning.  Final scavenging results are...  Kind of promising.  I estimate my chances of survival at 70% as long as rescue comes soon enough.

     My inventory:  I have approximately sixteen days of emergency rations, three functioning mark two hand scanners, one functioning medical scanner, and various medicinal supplies that should last longer than the food (as long as I don't seriously injure myself).  There are also two handheld plasma cannons and one infantry issue plasma rifle (with exactly one combat-rated power cell between the three).  I have one salvaged capital ship grade subspace beacon (unpowered as of yet), two survival packs each containing an emergency tent with beddings and solar powered heating/cooling unit, and one large duffle with approximately sixteen uniform jumpsuits (I didn't count, clothing was near the end of my list and the ship was sinking faster at this point).  Lastly I found nine universal equipment power cells (most fully charged) and, finally, Twelve functioning antigrav pulse emitters (salvaged from what used to be the engine housing on the captains yacht).

     It was stupid of me to go for the emitters, i know that, but I always did pretty well in engineering courses at the academy, and having some basic antigrav could be VERY useful for moving supplies and materials.  As long as I can jury-rig some sort of housing for them.  I dare not activate them now, I'm pretty sure each emitter is rated for several hundred pounds and they would throw my 180lbs ass directly into orbit.  I think I can modify one of the hand scanners into a control system for the emitters, and I'm hoping to use the extra temperature unit as a jury rigged solar charger for the power cells.

     But all that has to wait until the basics are taken care of.  I need to use the medical scanner to search for edible foliage or wildlife.  Food is my number one priority as I only have two weeks before I starve.

     That's a comforting thought.  A little over two weeks to live.  Fun fun fun!

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Brick By Brick

     I took my little girl to The Lego Movie.  Not, as it turns out, a bad decision.  The movie is funny, fast paced, action packed, dramatic (in places) and really really funny.  Also, the premise, which I won't spoil here, is so meta that if your mind ISN'T blown, then you are not human.  The Lego movie has one of those plot twists that, even though I saw it coming a mile away, was still pulled off and was genuinely surprising.  Even the theme song perfectly encapsulates the entirety of this movie.  "Everything is Awesome!" is right.  I can't think of anything wrong with this movie, and that's saying something.

     Oh.  And Will Arnett is the best animated batman since Kevin Conroy.  Hands down.

     I don't really have anything else to say.  Go see this movie.  You will regret it forever if you don't.

     Well, ok.  I do have one more thing to say.

     SPAAACESHIIIIIIP!!

Friday, February 7, 2014

The Crash

     Story time!

 - - - - -

     Day 1

     --Log Begins--

     Third officers log, U.S.S Deliverance.  Crewman Jenkins recording.  I'm not sure how it happened.  I think I may be the only one left, now.  Alone on this uncharted rock out in the backwater part of the galaxy with no radio and very few supplies!  I don't know what I'm going to do!

     Get ahold of yourself, Lynn.  Panic won't help anyone.

     Ok.  *Pant*  Okay.  Sorry.  Best to start from the beginning.  Three days ago, aboard U.S.S. Deliverance, I was working I the mess, peeling potatoes for gods sake, when an announcement came over the comm.  We were going to be investigating an unknown planetoid that didn't appear on any chart.  No biggie, this kind of thing happens all the time on a scouting vessel.

     48 hours later we arrived in system.  Nothing unusual, small planet, underdeveloped native population, mostly around the equatorial regions.  We were mapping as usual in stealth mode because it wouldn't do to let some overeagernative with a telescope see a state of the line Confederation starship zooming by overhead.

     Approximately sixteen hours later, we experienced massive engine failure for an unknown reason.  We managed to jimmy the thrusters but the main reactor was blown all to hell-  I mean the main reactor had suffered catastrophic damage.  The Deliverance was going to crash.

     We made a descending orbit flight path, and managed to buy ourselves enough time to strap in before the ship hit atmosphere.  Stupid me forgot to use the facilities before strapping in.  I made a dash for the nearest refresher and that saved my life.  I had just hit the loo, two decks down, when the first missile hit.

     The missles, I guess they were missles, we're targeted extremely precicely.  The first one blasted through the bridges main viewport, atomizing the bridge crew.  The next four cut the ship neatly in two, opening the crew compartments to the near-vacuum atmosphere.  The bulkheads around the refresher sealed automatically and I was trapped as my half of the ship nosed towards the surface.

     It was all shaking and noise for I don't know how long.  I'm sure I passed out at least once, I don't know how I kept my death grip on the railings in the stall.

     The fall was...

     Well, let's just say my bowels were completely evacuated in no time.

     I don't know how I survived the crash.  But I did.  I managed to crawl from the twisted wreckage with my survival pack and make it here to this stand of trees, a little more than a kilometer from whats left of the Deliverance.

     So here I am.  In an emergency shelter on some unknown planetoid in the backwater reaches of god-knows-where.  The only survivor from my crew.  And I rode a FLAMING POTTY to the surface.

     Fan-FUCKING-Tastic...

     --Log Ends--

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Bloobble-Flahdgit Gundersonsonsonsonsoson

     You know.  They say the mark of a professional is writing even when you don't want to.  But the mark of a GOOD writer is writing what you know.  Well, if I want to be a professional I should force out a (probably subpar) story or rant for you guys tonight.  But I'm not sure I want to be professional.

     I want to be GOOD.

     To that end, I'm tired, I've been playing nurse for my flu-ridden wife all week, and my daughter has been in rare form today (literally arguing with everything I said).  I don't KNOW anything right now.  My brain is full of mush and Swiss cheese.

     So, in order to be a better writer, I'm going to cut this one short.

     Goodnight, everybody!

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Dreaming for the stars.

     Just a real quick observation for today's post.

     If Warp drive were invented today.  And we would be launching our first real Starship in say, three years (long enough to train a crew).  Would you volunteer for Starfleet?  Like, would you dedicate the next eight ears of your life to military style training for three years and an insanely dangerous five year deep space mission?

     Until I had children, my answer was a definately YES SIR.  But now that I've got a little Pokeyling to think of, I would probably have to say no.

     That makes me sad. But I'm also insanely proud of my little girl, so it's not really a regret, more of an unfortunate choice that wasn't really ever a choice.

     What about you guys?  Would you join Starfleet tomorrow?  Even if it meant giving up your loved ones?

     Anyway.  Goodnight, all.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Arguing With Myself

     Short one tonight, lovelies.

     What?

     Oh, come on!  I've given you four short stories in four days!

     No!  Sunday doesn't count...  Fine then.  Four short stories in FIVE days!

     Seriously. I'm not a dancing monkey, here for your amusement.

     No I'm not saying you called me a monkey, it was a metaphor.

     Seriously?  Everything that's going down right now you're getting hung up on a stupid metaphor?

     No.  I'm not calling YOU stupid, I'm calling the sit---

     Wait...

     Ok, I must be more stressed out and tired than I thought.  What started as a throwaway gag about fourth wall breaking turned into a real argument with a fake audience.  That's weird on several levels.

     One - Why am I actually getting upset over a fake argument with a fake, vaguely defined someone or someones?

     Two - Why, when I am talking to an imaginary friend, and as such can be talking to anyone I want to pretend is there; Why am I arguing with what seems to be a bitchy, annoying, high-maintanence girlfriend?

     Three - Why am I pretending that anyone is actually reading this blog?

     You know what?  I don't have answers for any of those questions right now, so I'm going to bed.  I'll see you all tomorrow, lovelies.