Hats

     HAPPY NEW YEAR!  I hope this year has been good, or at least tolerable, and I hope each and every one of you has a better year in 2014 than you did in 2013!  Really, I want you all to be happy.

     I know I promised you a doozy of an update today, but that's gonna have to wait until tomorrow, because I'm still waiting on some stuff.  So, in honor of the holiday, I'm going to tell you one of the funniest stories I have.  (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.)

 - - - - -

     So, I was 18 years old and dating this girl who is SUPER into Jesus.  I mean she's one of these on-fire-for-the-lord, speaking-in-tongues, church-four-days-a-week, hardCORE Christians.

     But she was REALLY hot!

     So I, like the stupid kid I was, was desperate to impress her.  I started attending her church and even her youth group.  I wound up pretty much running the youth group because the organizers are woefully inept at the task.  I even organized the churches first softball team for e local county league.  I'm actually pretty proud of that one.

     Sunday before the very first game (scheduled for the following saturday), the head pastor pulls me aside and asks whet he can do to help the team.  I inform him that we have t-shirts as uniforms, but we don't have any hats.  He tells me he will take care of it.

     Saturday comes around and the pastor (a really nice dude for a hardcore conservative Christian) rolls up with three boxes full of hats that he paid for out of pocket.  He is obviously very proud, and starts handing them out.

     172 red and blue hats with white lettering, enough for every player on the team and a bunch left over for the fans and supporters.

     The opposing team is currently laughing their collective balls off, over on their side of the field, I wonder why until I take a closer look at the hats.  I can't help it, I double over laughing right there.  Tears streaming down my face and gasping for air.  The pastor is genuinely confused as to what's up, I have to regain control of myself and explain it to him.

     The name of the church?  "Family Altar of God"

     One Hundred and Seventy Two brand new hats, blue brims, red caps, and big white lettering.

     Each.  And.  Every.  One of them spells:

     F A G

     I don't remember if we won or lost, but the girl broke up with me because I laughed for the whole game.

     Totally Worth It.

     My only regret is that I wish I had thought to keep one of the hats!

 - - - - -

     Anyway, happy new year, everybody!  See you tomorrow!

Ornithorhynchus Anatinus

     Right.  Remember when I said I would have a short story for todays post?  I lied.  Not on purpose mind, it's just that today got a bit more complicated than I thought what with one thing and another.  There may have been a platypus involved, I'm a bit hazy on that point.

     The point is:  The story I was planning to write isn't done yet, and the way things are looking it won't be done for a couple of yonks* so im going to post something I wrote a while back for your enjoyment.

     It's another character bio from the D&D universe I created and ran a (highly successful) campaign in a few years ago.  So sit back, and enjoy some pretty good high-ish fantasy...  Er...  Stuff.  I've got to sort out that damn platypus...

 - - - - -

Player: Jeremy
Name: Uriel
Race: Human ?
Class: Monk
Level: 10
Alignment: Neutral Good

Known Equipment:
A belt that magically enhances CQC skills while unarmed; a cloak that

grants telepathic control over common squirrels; a headband that
allows walking/running on the surface of water; foot wraps that
magically provide immunity to extreme temperatures, both hot and cold;
three magical dragon amulets (see note 1); a quarterstaff enchanted to
always stand upright when not being wielded.

Known Skills:
Expert Hand to Hand fighter, specializing in Close Quarters Combat and
Grappling; extremely agile and dexterous, able to run on walls for
short periods of time as well as make jumps that seem impossible for a
human; expert at climbing and free running through an area; unknown,
possibly magical, force that seems to protect him when his life is in
danger (Unconfirmed, see addendum to Dossier).

Dossier (Imperium Intelligence):
     The human terrorist known as Uriel is an unknown quantity on the
battlefield. It is obvious that he is a supernaturally gifted unarmed
combatant, having proven himself against the likes of several Imperial
Palace Golems at once. His skill at grapples and throws are not to be
taken lightly, and some reports from survivors claim he has strength
to match several persons of his size. He is believed to carry
magically enhanced tattoos that grant limited magical combat skills on
the battlefield, suggesting he was trained in one of the troll
monasteries in the southlands, this has not been confirmed as we have
not been able to capture and examine him.

     Little is known of his origins, however, as no record of his
birth or even his existence can be confirmed before joining the
terrorist cell known to be operating out of the seafaring vessel 'The
Wine and Roses'. He has been trained as a monk, that much is obvious,
but there seems to be no record of any monastery either in Imperium
Territory or in Human occupied lands that will admit to training him.
Likewise, proof of his lineage and parentage is missing from all
pertinent records. It is as if he did not exist prior to his first
appearance Three years ago aboard a fishing vessel.

     Uriel favors getting up close and personal with his opponents,
acting as though he is bigger and stronger than any foe (though he is
average size, bordering on small for a human), this self confidence
and (for lack of a better term) swagger has served him well in
pre-combat situations, allowing him to intimidate many opponents
before a fight begins. In combat he prefers to sprint up to an
opponent and attempt to maneuver himself into a flanking position so
he can better use his grappling skills. He has been known to unleash
flurries of trained unarmed strikes to knock back or incapacitate
multiple opponents at once.
     

     Uriel has also been known to engage in a grapple with an opponent
who is obviously stronger than he is, in order to hold said enemy
still so his regular companions can freely attack the distracted foe.
He seems to have almost no sense of self preservation, often holding
opponents down in the path of destructive magic spells without thought
to harming himself.

     Extreme care should be taken when engaging Uriel in combat. He
excels at disarming his foes and in taking on multiple opponents at
once. If possible he should be incapacitated from a distance before
he can close with our forces and begin to utilize his CQC skills.

Addendum:
     Several unexplainable incidents have been observed when the 

life of Uriel is in danger. In these situations, Uriel has shown
instinctive use of defensive magic (usually draconian in nature) or
feats of superhuman strength and skill even above his already
considerable level, it is the belief of the Imperial Ministry of
Defense that Uriel should be incapacitated and taken, alive but
unconscious, in for further study.

     By order of the Royal Elven Imperium: The terrorist known as
Uriel is considered a Class 1 threat to the Imperium and is to be
apprehended, dead or alive, on sight at all costs.

Further Addendum (From Confederation Intelligence Services):
     The CIS believes the monk known as Uriel to be somewhat of a
loose cannon, his goals align somewhat with those of The Confederation
of Free Peoples, but he will not declare loyalty one way or another.
He has been known to have private dealings with Minelord Bograff
Stonewall, Dwarven monarch of the Undersand Mines, as well as with
reactionary forces on the Elven Continent. He has proven himself in
battle against Elven forces as well as all manner of fantastical
creatures.

     Uriel is believed to have been present at the mysterious events
surrounding the Circle of Storms in the Central Sea, he should be
treated as a trusted civilian in regards to classified matters.


--Notes--

     Uriel is believed to carry the three Fabled Dragon Amulets,

each one has it's own magical properties.

     The Fire Amulet of Passion is said to feed off of the emotions of
those nearby, especially passionate feelings such as love or rage.
This amulet grants its wearer immunity to all types of fire. Capable
of producing and enhancing magical fire, the Fire Amulet was used to
heat the Great Forge of Llaquadar before that city's untimely
destruction. The explosion that destroyed Llaquadar was likely, at
least partially, caused by this amulet.

     The Ice Amulet of Logic is, in many ways, the opposite of the
Fire Amulet. The Ice amulet grants it's wearer immunity to all forms
of cold and limited control over the formation of ice crystals,
allowing the formation of temporary Ice weapons. The Ice Amulet
serves to repress emotions just as the Fire Amulet serves to enhance
them. When the Fire Amulet and the Ice Amulet are within close
proximity to each other they tend to cancel each others power out.

     The Bone Amulet of Death is the final of the three Dragon Amulets
The Bone Amulet has a tendency to summon undead aberrations at
nightfall, which must be then dealt with. The Bone Amulet Is very

dangerous, capable of infiltrating the very soul of it's wearer,
especially when the wearer kills another person. The Bone Amulet
serves to lower caution and tends to make it's wearer less likely to
be swayed by mercy and more likely to kill without provocation.

 - - - - -

     There, wasn't that interesting?  I know I enjoyed it.  Now, stay tuned, I may not have a lot of time in the next several days to do many long posts but tomorrow will be a new-years-eve special doozy!  I hope you are as excited as I am!

     Now.  Where is that damn platypus mating whistle?  I know I had it this morning, thats how this whole mess got started!

     OY!  You there, yes you, reading this right now.  Go on then!  Shove off, I've got stuff to do!

     OY-AGAIN!  Come back tomorrow though!  It'll be a blast!

     *(Yonks - A technical term meaning an unspecified amount of time lasting something between six hours and several years.  in this case, though, it probably refers to about a week.)

Insert Witty Title Here

     It is late and I need to update for today...

     I had a friend visit this weekend and it was very nice, having someone to talk to who is into the same things as myself for a change.  I had a lot of fun this weekend (not least of which was playing Cards Against Humanity) and I hope my friend comes back soon.

     Thanks for a fun weekend, man, you know who you are!

     New short story for tomorrows post, stay tuned!

Star Trek vs. Star Wars (Part 2)

     I know the last few posts have been rather short, and for that I'm...  Not...  Sorry!  I mean c'mon!  It's Christmas!  Cut me some slack over here!  That being said, I do feel I owe you something a bit longer, so get ready for a Four-Legged Stomping great post today.

     Prepare your bowels for the movement that is part two of my ongoing series about the hypothetical war between the two biggest sci-fi franchises ever.  I present to you:

     Pop Combat:  Star Wars vs Star Trek (pt. 2)

 - - - - -

     Before we get started let me restate the rules:

 - 1 - No conflict within either universe.  The Borg, the dominion and the federation are all working together in the Star Trek (s.t.) universe.  Which means the Vong, The Empire, and The Jedi are all working in harmony over in the Star Wars (s.w.) universe.

 - 2 - No Divine Intervention.  The Bajoran Prophets and Q aren't going to be going around poofing fleets out of existence, neither is Abeloth going to be mind controlling several planets worth of people into committing suicide.

 - 3 - Both Universes are equivalent.  For the purposes of this thought experiment, both the Star Wars (s.w.) and Star Trek (s.t.) galaxies are roughly the same size with approximately equal population figures.

     So, let's get this show on the road!

     Last time I went over ground troops, infantry and small arms that will make up the bulk of the ground fighting force for each universe.  Detailing the fighting skills, technology and tactics of The Dominion, Klingons, The Borg, and others over in s.t.  While also detailing the Vong, Droids, The Empire, and The Jedi from s.w.  In the end, it was a close call, but the might of a Jedi in infantry combat just wasn't enough of an edge to overcome the tactical flexibility of Trek's Transporter.  Teleportation is just too ripe for abuse in military tactics, and I had to give the edge to Star Trek.

     Today, I'm taking the fight a little bigger.  We are looking at Groundswear.  Tank-analogues and atmospheric assault craft, basically anything used to fight over a planet that isn't technically space based.

     Mobile Artillery:

     Star Trek:  To be honest, the star trek universe doesn't have much in the way of armored vehicles for making war on a planets surface, and why would they?  The transporter makes moving troops around a theatre of war a trivial matter, and most major artillery operations are handled from orbit.  Not to mention, in areas where transporters are blocked or unreliable, they always have access to small space/atmospheric craft called shuttles (or runabouts, if they are outfitted for long distance travel) most of these shuttles are lightly armed and armored, with weak shields.  While this may seem like an obvious oversight, when you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.  Why go to the effort and expense of maintaining a fleet of vehicles that will rarely get used when you can teleport troops and materiel anywhere in the blink of an eye.

     That being said, Star Trek does have access to small vehicles with stronger weaponry.  Shuttles are usually four or five person craft, with light weapons and shields (though the shields are still stronger than those on most Starfighters, covered in a bit) shuttles are used mainly for transport where use of teleportation technology is unfeasible for some reason, and as such shuttles aren't designed with combat in mind.  While they can be used to assault enemy forces and carry troops, or even as bombers to level enemy emplacements, shuttles just aren't designed for war.  The problem is these shuttles aren't designed to stand up to, or participate in, a full scale mechanical assault.  This is a job for stationary base defenses and orbital weapons delivery systems respectively.

     Star Wars:  On the other hand, the denizens of the Star Wars universe are used to massive artillery battles.  With no transporters to teleport troops and supplies, the technology for moving and defending war materiel has proceeded on parity with the technology for space combat.  

     Atmospheric response vehicles (called speeders) are usually single pilot (sometimes with a separate gunner, but not always) craft that serve as a mobile, maneuverable weapons platform.  Smaller and faster than a shuttle or runabout from s.t., speeders usually fly in squadrons, allowing groups of pilots to concentrate fire on large targets and watch each other's backs in a dogfight.  Speeders come in a variety styles and configurations, though they are usually comparable to the ubiquitus space-worthy single pilot assault craft (called Starfighters) in the terms of speed, armor, shields, and armament.

     - A word on Starfighters (or snubfighters):  Starfighters will be covered in more detail later, when we get to the space combat portions of this series, but here is a brief rundown.  In Star Wars, the majority of casualties and the majority of space combat takes place between small, fast, maneuverable, single (or double) occupant fighter craft, sometimes piloted by droids, but often piloted by sentient beings.  Starfighters come an as many different shapes and sizes as there are fighting species in the Star Wars universe, from the nimble but shieldless Imperial TIE Fighter (Twin Ion Engine) to the slower, heavily shielded and heavily armored Y-Wing bomber, from the famous and ubiquitus X-Wing (The craft flown by Luke Skywalker in the Star Wars movies) to the strange living asteroid-like Coralskipper flown by the Yuuzhan Vong, there is almost no end to the variety present in the small attack craft from the Star Wars universe.  Starfighters vary in their armament and defensive capabilities, but there is one rule of thumb.  Starfighters are small.  Usually a single pilot vehicle, Starfighters are rarely encountered alone.  More often, at least a whole squadron (12 craft) are deployed at a time, usually several squadrons working to support each other.  In Star Wars space combat, is it not unusual to see clouds of Starfighters launching from larger vessels to tangle with each other, hoping to punch through and turn their formidable weaponry on the enemy capitol ships. -

     Starfighters are often used in complimentary roles or even as replacements for speeders in planetary combat, as they server basically the same role.  Speeders/Starfighters are used in planetary combat as anti-artillery vehicles, bombers, and (more rarely) as anti-infantry platforms.  A squadron of Z-95 Headhunters (A precursor to the X-Wing, featuring fixed wings [or Strike Foils], often configured for atmospheric combat) can be used to drop proton torpedo bombs (high yeild explosives capable ot destroying an entire city block) on enemy emplacements.  They can be used to attack enemy mobile artillery with their laser cannons which are larger, more powerful, computer guided versions of the hand blasters carried by Star Wars troops.  Or they can be used to strafe enemy troop locations.  Speeders cause destruction among the enemy ranks in a variety of ways, but they almost always present during planetary combat.

     Groundswear:

     Star Wars:  Armored ground based assault craft aren't anywhere near as common as Speeders, but they do exist and they do serve a purpose.  The most notable addition to this debate from the Star Wars universe are the Imperial Walkers.  Large, heavily armored and lightly shielded, Walkers are a devastating anti-infantry weapons platform that is capable of stomping into an enemy emplacement and blasting it back to the stone age with their Starfighter level weaponry.  With armor that is nearly impenetrable to the personal hand armaments carried by most ground troops, light shields to repel attacks from the much faster and more maneuverable speeders, and weapons just one step down from those found on a capitol ship, Walkers will make up a good portion of the artillery in the Star Wars fighting force.  It will often be necessary for Star Trek to engage these vehicles from orbit, with starship/starbase launched shuttles or runabouts, which will then be easy prey for an accompanying squadron of speeders/Starfighters.  Walkers come in two main varieties.  All Terrain Assault Transports (A.T.A.T.'s or "at-at's") are the larger of the two, shaped like a giant mechanical horse, these four legged vehicles are slow and unwieldy, but what they lack in speed and maneuverability they make up for in sheer firepower and the ability to transport whole battalions of troopers in their nearly impenetrable under bellies.  All Terrain Scout Transports (A.T.S.T. Or "at-sat's") are the smaller, faster, two (or sometimes three) legged little brothers to the A.T.A.T.  With much lighter armor than their larger counterparts, yet comparable strength weaponry, A.T.S.T.'s are perfect for scouting ahead of the main fighting force, and engaging enemy Groundswear in hit and run attacks to harry the defensive line until the big boys show up to play.  A.T.S.T. Walkers sacrifice some armor and the ability to carry troops for speed and maneuverability.  In a lot of cases, A.T.A.T. walkers may be too large for urban or close quarters combat.  If an orbital or speeder assault is unfeasible for some reason, an A.T.S.T. walker is the obvious choice, capable of stomping down city streets or narrow valleys to bring its large cannons to bear against dug-in enemy emplacements.

     Star Trek:  Again, Star Trek species have very little use for large mobile artillery and troop transport. I hate to keep belaboring a point here, but the Transporter system makes these kinds of vehicles mostly obsolete.  If s.w. needs to take a city, they need to mobilize groups of walkers with fighter escort to carry battalions of troops across the landmass to the target area.  This is a slow and vulnerable process, which completely negates any element of surprise and creates long supply lines.  There is also the possibility of bottlenecks,  where the enemy can intercept an assault force and attack while the defenders can't bring all of their weaponry into play, this can be negated by the Jedi Danger Sense, but Jedi are few and far between, and they can't be counted on to be there to support every movement of an assault force, hence the massive amount of armament and armor needed to carry it out.  Conversely, if s.t. needs an occupying force in an enemy city, they simply begin beaming groups of soldiers directly into the city, no warning, no time to build defenses, just quick, precice transports of troopers to exactly where they need to be.

     On the other hand, not having to deal with these kinds of problems means that when the walkers and speeders DO show up on the battlefield, Star Trek forces will be woefully unprepared to deal with the artillery.  While there are base defenses (which I will cover in a later installment dedicated to defensive strategies), it is doubtful that s.t. is prepared to repel an assault from heavily armored Groundswear combined with speeders/bombers.

     On the whole, while Star Trek troopers have the major advantage of transporter technology, being maneuverable isn't everything.  In order to take and hold a planet from the enemy, you need to be able to respond to your bases and emplacements being attacked.  And Star Wars just has the bigger gun in this knife fight

     When it comes to planetary war, in the artillery category:  I'm going to have to give the decisive advantage to Star Wars

     Stay tuned for next time, when we finally get off the ground and launch into space combat.  The bread and butter of a war between the two biggest sci-fi universes to ever exist.

CaH

     No time for a real post tonight, I am FINALLY getting a chance to play Cards Against Humanity.  My god, I haven't laughed this hard in YEARS!

     I'll have pics later on, but for now ima get back to the game...

Old Friends, New Me

*****CHALLENGE UPDATE*****     

     Technically it's 4:12am on the 27th where I am right now, but I haven't slept yet.  I've already kind of adopted this position but I'm making it official now:

     Until Sunrise at my current location, if I haven't slept, it isn't the next day yet.

     I realize I'm cutting it kinda close this time, but sunrise isn't for several sincere and meaningful minutes here yet, so I'm good as long as this update isn't a very long one.

*****UPDATE COMPLETE*****

     So, I have a couple of friends visiting tonight, one I haven't seen in months, another that I haven't seen in years.  It's both strange and familiar to have them in my home again.  Strange because I am not the same person I was several years ago, yet familiar because we were so close that it is natural for us to fall into the old patterns.  Its good to have them here, but its also an enlitening experience for me.

     It's kind of unnerving to realize that you aren't the person you remember being.  Me from the time when being with these people was a regular occurrence was a much more different person than I had previously thought.  I guess I changed more than I realized in the ensuing years.  Not physically, mind, and not even my about ward attitude that much, but my internal self has changed.  The core of what makes me 'me', my outlook and innermost feelings aren't the same as they were back then.  The ghost of my old self is still there, I can feel him especially now with so much of my past staring me in the face, but I'm not that person anymore.

     And that's a scary thought.

     Don't get me wrong, I love that my friends are back in my life, no matter how fleeting the visit has to be.  I'm just commenting on the strangeness of looking back and realizing not only how far I've come, but how much the road has changed me along the way.

     I hope we don't lose touch again.  I would like to see where our friendship can go from this new starting point.

     Anyway, that's my thoughts for today.  Just a nugget of wisdom for you to chew on:  Don't be afraid to look your past in the eye, you may not always like everything you see, but it's a great way to measure who you are in the present.

     Goodnight, all!

Merry Christmas!

     It's Christmas, everybody!  Which means I'm busy watching my 5-year old tear our living room to pieces, but it's all in the name of fun!  I hope all of you are having a good Christmas wheather you're with your family or you're not, today is not about being depressed, today is about loving yourself and those around you.

     If you happen to be alone and/or depressed this year then do yourself a favor.  Go out and do something nice for someone else.  Volunteer at a soup kitchen, or take a blanket to a homeless person.  Help people move some furniture or maybe just give a stranger a hug.

     I know it sounds corny, but try it.  Making someone else happy has the weird effect of making you feel better about yourself!

     So, to both of my loyal fans (Hi, Steven, Merry Christmas!) I wish you a happy day and a joyful rest of the year!

     (I'll be back tomorrow, don't worry)

Bad Joke is Bad

     It's Christmas Eve!  I don't have a lot to say today (and I'll have even less to say tomorrow) since Christmas is big on family togetherness in my household.  Don't worry, though.  I have a joke for you.

     What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?

     .....

     Their name, dumbass!  What did you think I was going to say?

     Anyway, Merry Christmas!

So You Think This (Could Be) A Game?!

     As most of you know, I like to design board and card games.  I would love to make a decent living designing games, but I know it's not really feasible.  I'm fine with that.  But I have an idea that might just work, so here it is:

     I will design a custom tabletop game for you.  You give me an event or a theme or some basic information and I'll design a fun game around your info.  Imagine being able to give away a custom card game as a business card?  Or having a family game made to celebrate an anniversary?  Or even have a custom game as a centerpiece on the guest tables at a wedding?  

     All of this with no work on your part!  We sit down and discuss some things, and you tell me what kind of game you want.  I'll design it for you, I'll get it printed up (in whatever quantities you want), and I'll deliver it to your event or whatever.  I think I could do this.

     There are two problems with this idea.

 - 1 - I will need equipment.  I will have to purchase an industrial printer that can print everything from custom playing cards to cardboard boxes, I want this stuff to be professional looking.  I will also need a 3D printer for making custom game pieces.  These pieces of equipment are not cheap.

 - 2 - I cannot draw.  I can't draw, even a little bit, my drawing skills are on par with an autistic monkey after a partial lobotomy and finger amputation.  I would need to hire or partner with someone with some actual artistic talent.

     That being said, I don't think either of these problems are insurmountable.  I am going to gauge interest in the custom board game market idea over the next few weeks, and see if it would be profitable enough to try to get this thing rolling!

     If anybody reading this is interested in a custom game, let me know in the comments, or you can send me an email (magicpokey@gmail.com), I look forward to helping you!

     Also:  Merry Christmas Eve Eve!  I know it's silly, but, in my family, silly is prized!

Star Wars vs. Star Trek (Part 1)

     Yesterday's post was about Goku vs Superman in a fight to the death, and if you will allow me a moment to let my nerd COMPLETELY off it's leash, I want to continue talking about this kind of thing for today.  But this time it's something I know WAAAAAAY too much about so this one's going to be in exhaustive detail.

     I'm not talking about single characters today.  I'm talking whole fictional universes.

     The question I've been pondering for a while is this:  Who would win in a galaxy wide war: Star Trek or Star Wars.  This has been debated hotly among nerds since before the Internet existed, and the net has only made it easier to find someone who disagrees with your opinion.

     Bona-Fides:  I am a complete sci-fi obsessive.  My first love was star wars, I have read every single expanded universe star wars novel multiple times, I have the complete movie collection on Blu-ray, I can quote in-universe stats and trivia from star wars all day long.  I know ship designs and military tactics from the early days of the old republic to the second galactic civil war (the one after the Yuuzhan Vong invasion).  I even listed Jedi on the census form last time I filled it out (because I was a teenager, and I thought it was funny).

     

     My relationship with Star Trek has been a little more rocky, but no less full of love.  I have seen every episode of every season of every series multiple times.  (Full disclosure, most of my knowelege comes from the next generation era, as ToS didn't really hold my interest as well as the newer stuff did.)  I think that the old Picard and Kirk debate has a definitive answer (Benjamin Sisko) and I can back that up with facts and stats.  My favorite Trek anything (and one of my top five media anythings) is Deep Space Nine, which also happens to go into detail on how the Trek universe would handle a major war.

     Whatever I don't know off hand I will look up on the respective franchises wiki sites:  'Wookiepedia' and 'Memory Alpha'.  Go on, guess which is which!

     With that out of the way, let's get started.  Who wants to watch as the two biggest sci-fi franchises in the world go head to head in an all out intergalactic war?  Welcome to part one of the first installment of a recurring segment I'm calling:  Pop Combat.

   

                                                                           VERSES

       

     Ground Rules:

  

     We're going to assume that the Star Trek (s.t.) and Star Wars (s.w.) galaxies have been combined together and the two galaxies are going to fight each other until one is forced to surrender.  I don't know why, maybe Q had a game of chess against Abeloth or something.  Here's how we're going to do this.  We are going to assume a few things to set the stage:  

     1 - No Interspecies Conflict:  This means the Yuuzhan Vong aren't trying to conquer the s.w. universe and the Borg aren't trying to conquer the s.t. universe.  The dominion and the federation and the Klingons and everybody from that era of s.t. are working together.  This also means that the Vong, the Empire, The Galactic Alliance, and even The Corrrelian Confederation are working hand in hand for s.w.  For this war, it's galaxy vs galaxy.

     2 - No Divine Intervention:  The Q Continuum isn't going to be interfering with their omnipotence, nor are the Bajoran Prophets going to be disappearing any fleets.  This also means that a group of Force Ghosts or Abeloth aren't going to become an unstoppable killing machine and tear through the federation like Sherman marching for the coast.

     3 - Both Galaxies Are Prepared For War:  The battle is taking place at the height of technological advancement that has been portrayed in their respective media.  S.w. has full access to species technology at the height of its warmaking ability.  This means the Vong are in conquer mode.  The Empire has Super Star Destroyers and a fully operational Death Star.  The Jedi are well versed in using the Force Meld to assist troops and have access to StealthX's and Shadow Bombs.  And The Alliance has it's Y.V.H. Battle Droid factories up and running.  Conversely, over in s.t. land, The Dominion is fully armed and prepared for battle, with a fresh crop of Jem'Hadar, as are the klingons, as are all the other major players in the galaxy.  The Borg are ready for war, complete with their queen and hive mind intact.  And the federation has access to all the technology developed during the dominion war, including cloaking devices.

     I'm going to divide the actual conflict up into different classes of battle, from troop level stuff on the ground all the way up to galaxy-wide intergalactic war.  I will go over the major strengths and weaknesses of each universe, and decide on an advantage for either side in the conflict.

     So, let's get started!

     Ground War - Troops, Personal Armaments, Tactics, and Materiel for fighting over the surface of a planet.

     Star Trek:  The major contributors to the ground war efforts would obviously come from the Klingons, The Dominion, and The Borg.  All three empires have lengthy histories of ground warfare and can provide warriors aplenty.  With their ability to grow new troops to maturity in less than a year, the Dominion and their Jem'Hadar forces will make up the bulk of the offensive military.  With secondary numbers of Klingons followed by smaller numbers of Federation, Romulans, Cardassians, etc.  While The Borg will most likely form the backbone of any defensive garrisons, with their hive mind tactics and ability to adapt their personal shields to incoming fire after a bit of conflict, not to mention the drive to assimilate captured and injured troops into new drones for the collective, the Borg are perfectly suited to defend outposts where they have quick access to assimilation technology.

     Basic Armaments:  Disruptor rifles that fire a bolt of plasma that burns through flesh on contact are the hand weapon of choice for all s.t. species.  Jem'Hadar hand weapons have the additional benefit of leaving behind an anticoagulant that slows down the natural healing process in carbon based life forms.  Most Jem'Hadar also carry a wicked blade into battle, for when the fighting gets up close and personal.  The Klingons have their own disruptor pistols, but where a klingon really shines is in hand to hand combat.  With an assortment of knives and a Bat'leth (a two handed combination of a sword and axe that is useful for tripping foes, slicing off limbs or even easy beheadings) carried by each proud warrior, the Klingons do not hesitate to charge into an enemy's ranks.  Klingons and Jem'Hadar are physically much stronger than humans, and somewhat more durable as well, leaving s.t. at an advantage in up close combat.  The Jem'Hadar also have personal cloaking devices which can hide them from sight, but not sound.  In the dark, a Jem'Hadar that doesn't want to be found will probably not be.  The Borg, meanwhile, can adapt their drones to carry Disruptor or Phaser weapons attached to their bodies, each drone usually also has a personal force field that constantly adapts to whatever fire it is facing.  The Borg are also a hive mind, and as such when a single drone spots an enemy, every Borg in the galaxy will know where that enemy is.  Borg are cybernetically enhanced humanoids and as such are stronger than humans and able to take more punishment.  Borg are slow on their feet, however, making them well suited for defensive roles in the war.

     Star Wars:  The most warlike species with the most ready troops in the s.w. universe would have to be the Yuuzhan Vong, and as such they would make up the bulk of the living ground forces at first.  The s.w. universe has a much deeper pool of warlike species to throw into the effort, but less actual major empires.  Aside from the Yuuzhan Vong and The Empire (mostly human stormtroopers in light armor) most of the fighting force of this side of the war will be made up of a disparate group of species.  From humans (the average baseline) to wookies (Stronger, Faster, and Larger than humans, well suited to jungle/forest environments).  From Chiss (blue skinned humanoids similar to civilized klingons in their outlook and culture, but basically the same, physically speaking, as humans) to Killik (Insectoid species that form a Borg-Like hive mind, though this mind is different for each Killik hive or nest.  Killik come in several different shapes and sizes, from massive tank like monsters to small swarming beetle like fighters).  The s.w. universe is a diverse mix of fighters.  Let's not forget the super beings of the Star Wars universe, the Jedi (from many different species).  While they may be few in number, they make excellent squad leaders and infiltration or strike forces.

     Basic Armaments:  Blaster Rifles that fire a bolt of plasma energy that can explode on contact.  Unlike Disruptor or phaser fire from the s.t. troops, blasters cause most of their damage from the bolt of energy exploding on contact.  This can cause limbs to be seperated on unarmored targets, and a large concussive force to disorient armored foes, as well as batter down personal force fields.  Most s.w. troops would carry a small number of grenade like thermal detonators as well, which can be used to bring down structures or even to incapacitate groups of enemies.  Specialized troops will also carry ion blasters, which don't do much to flesh targets, but will fry and shut down any electrical equipment carried by the foe.  Ion blasters and cannons would be particularly effective against The Borg with their cybernetic drones.

     The other half of the major living army fielded by s.w. would be the Yuuzhan Vong.  Humanoids who are slightly faster and stronger than the average human, (though nowhere near the level of Klingons or wookies) they stand out because Vong do not use ANY technology.  All of their war materiel is created through genetic engineering.  The basic Vong trooper wears armor made from a living crab that can stop a Lightsabre and protect the wearer's torso from blasters and disruptors, though it does little to slow concussive blasts.  They carry two different throwing weapons engineered from insects, Thud Bugs which are heavy marble sized flying beetles that home in on a foe and smash into them at nearly the speed of sound, and Blaze Bugs which are slower and lighter than thud bugs but explode on contact and spread a napalm-like jelly when they do.  Vong also carry Blorash Jelly, which is thrown on the ground to cling to and immobilize a ground troop.  But the main weapon of the Yuuzahn Vong is the Amphistaff.  A snakelike creature that can be coiled like a whip, and can spit poisionous venom up to ten meters, this creature can also activate an internal network of energy cells that straighten it and harden it, extending the energy field one atom from the edge of the serpent, giving the Amphistaff a cutting edge that never gets dull and can cut through most things with ease.  Vong are raised from birth as warriors, and see pain as pleasure, Vong do not hesitate to charge into battle, and even see dying in battle as a great honor.

     Notice I said 'Living' army in the above paragraph.  That is because I have left off the game changer for the Star Wars universe until now:  Droids.

     The species from the s.w. galaxy can and will make entire factories cranking out battle droids by the millions.  Battle droids in this case don't mean the ineffectual doofuses from the Star Wars Prequels, but Y.V.H Battle Droids, huge, armored, and armed to the proverbial teeth.  Battle droids are stronger than humans and can take more punishment, they also carry the same assortment of weaponry as the s.w. troops, blasters, thermal detonators, and the like.  Some models even have personal force fields, though these are rarer than a standard model.  Unlike Star Trek, which can breed Jem'Hadar very fast or assimilate new Borg from fallen enemies, s.w. will have trouble replacing troops that fall in battle.  This is where droid factories come into play.  Droids will probably make up the bulk of the ground fighting force of the s.w. universe for the most part, but there will always be living troops on each battlefield to supervise the droids.  Droids also have the drawback of not being able to benefit from the Force Meld that the Jedi can provide, instead relying on overwhelming numbers and firepower to overcome the foe.

     Special Weaponry:

     Star Wars:  When it comes to special weaponry and tactics in ground combat, Star Wars only really has one trump card.

     Jedi:  An order of warrior-monks who have a connection to an energy field called The Force, Jedi have their own unique weapons at hand.  Aside from blaster pistols and a few explosives, all Jedi carry a Lightsabre, a sword with a blade of pure energy that can cut through almost anything and can deflect blaster (and Disruptor) fire away from the Jedi and sometimes even back at the troop who fired it.  Jedi also have a major advantage in The Force.  Without going into too much detail, Jedi can use the Force aid themselves and their allies in battle.  Including the following:

 - Danger Sense:  A Jedi can get a warning before an enemy strikes, allowing them to begin to react even before the strike has been launched.

 - Battlefield Awareness:  Jedi can sense the presence of other living beings, allowing the Jedi to find otherwise hidden troops and plan sneak attacks through weaknesses in enemy lines.

 - Force Battle Meld:  Jedi can use the Force to link their minds into a sort of temporary hive mind so several Jedi can act in concert with nearly instantaneous communication.  This can also be used by certain Jedi to coalesce a disparate group of warriors into a fighting unit that seems to react instinctively to each others actions, bringing whole squads and even battalions into almost Borg levels of hive mind singular purpose.

 - Enhanced Reflexes:  Jedi can use the Force to make themselves much faster and stronger than their opponents, combined with the danger sense, this can make a Jedi an almost unstoppable killing machine in close quarters combat.

 - Telekenisis:  Jedi can move objects and people with their mind, this can include disarming foes and hurling natural obstacles at an enemy.  Not to mention a Jedi can and will throw her Lightsabre in a spinning ark through an enemy line to cut down as many troops as possible, guiding it straight back to her hand.  This also allows a Jedi who has been disarmed to quickly pull a weapon to hand from anywhere close by.

     The Jedi make excellent troops in combat.  Unfortunately for the s.w. forces, the Jedi are extremely few and far between.  Usually less than a thousand Jedi are spread over the entire galaxy wide conflict.  This leads them into natural leadership positions in ground combat, but Jedi are much more suited to special missions, which we will cover later.

     

     Star Trek:  Ground combat is where the most warlike species from the Star Trek universe really shine.  But The major special technology s.t. has access to that s.w. doesn't is a real doozy.  

     Transporters:  A device which allows the instantaneous translocation of matter from one location to another, usually limited in range to orbit-to-surface or from point to point on a planet, a transporter is the real trump card of the s.t. universe.  With the transporter, s.t. can beam supplies, weaponry, and even entire battalions of troops to any battlefield on the planet instantaneously.  Not having to rely on easily broken supply lines, the transporter allows the s.t. forces much more flexibility in battle, which can be a MAJOR advantage.  Transporters are not infallible, though, and do have several drawbacks.

 - Cannot transport through force fields:  Both sides in this conflict have access to 'shields' (energy force field technology) which can stop a transporter beam cold

 - Transporter signals can be disrupted:  The beaming process is not completely infallible, enough natural materials of the right type, or electronic devices designed to mimic their electromagnetic effects, can scramble a transporter beam and make rematerialization impossible.  This has the side effect of most likely killing any living being who was in transit when the beam was scrambled.

 - Requires Power:  Unlike The Force, which is a natural, innate ability of the Jedi, a transporter requires a support system to operate.  This means a base of operations with a power generator and all the attached defenses.  Which means that s.t. troops will be forced to dig in and fortify several positions on the battlefield while s.w. droids (which require little to no supplies) can engage in more guerilla like warfare.

     Conclusion:  Overall, the Star Wars and Star Trek universes are pretty evenly matched on the open battlefield, with similar weaponry and numbers of troops, it all boils down to the leadership and tactics used in combat.  While the Star Trek transporter is an extremely valuable asset in a ground war, it's usefulness can be mitigated with proper planning and defenses.  On the other hand:  Jedi, while extremely useful during a ground engagement are extremely rare.  Often you won't find more than one (if even that) Jedi operating on any given world.  Jedi are powerful, to be sure.  A single Jedi is most probably the match for any twenty troopers from the Star Trek universe.  But even a Jedi can not be everywhere at once, so their usefulness is limited in a planet wide engagement.  Also, droid troops are fine and all, but sentient troops will always have the advantage in randomness and unexpected tactics.  While the Vong are bred for combat, they are not able to field the same sheer numbers as the quick breeding Jem'Hadar, leaving the bulk of the fighting up to the droids, making the s.t. ground troops just a bit more effective on the battlefield

     After much consideration, I feel like, in a ground war, the transporter just provides too much utility to be easily overcome.  Don't get me wrong, Star Wars forces can and will take planets, but, given parity of forces and tactics on both sides, the transporter is probably too powerful a tool to overcome.  Star Wars forces will have to work extra hard to fortify their bases from unexpected attack which can come from any direction with no warning.  While it is by no means a definitive advantage, I'm going to have to give a slight edge in ground warfare to Star Trek

 - WINNER -

     Wow, that got long winded!  Don't worry, though, I won't be doing this every day.  Also, if you are interested in this series, I will be covering way more than just ground combat in the future!  So stay tuned!

Nerd Level: Dangerously Cheezy

     Sometimes I get bored at home, or I just need something on in the background while I'm doing other stuff, and I will usually put on some Internet media.  Sometimes it's a recorded mtg live stream (usually from Loading Ready Run or numotthenummy) but more and more often lately, it's been a YouTube playlist of a show I enjoy.

     I'll put on Game Theory, or Epic Rap Battles Of History, or even Dragonball Z Abridged and just let it run while I'm doing stuff around the house.  Well, today, I was doing the dishes while watching Death Battle and the Goku vs Superman episode came on.

     If you aren't familiar with Death Battle you should be.  Basically it's Deadliest Warrior for fictional characters.

     Anyway, back to the episode.  I can't argue with their (the guys from Death Battle) research on Goku and Superman, but I do have a problem with their conclusion.  Spoilers: You should really go over to www.screwattack.com and watch the episode of Death Battle featuring Goku and Superman.  It's ok, I'll wait.

     ...  Watched it?  Good, wasn't it?

     Okay, as they said.  Superman is faster and stronger than Goku, and they are fighting to the death (as is the premise of the show), after all.  Superman would be the winner at first.  He would kill goku, thus ending the Death Battle.

     The problem with that is that Goku can and has used instant transmission to travel to and from the land of the dead.  His dead body is more durable, and he learns from his mistakes.  What would happen after the initial battle is this:  Goku teleports back to earth.  He enlists the help of his friends to find kryptonite or a red star planet (or both) then attacks Superman again to keep him distracted while his friends set up a trap of some kind.

     Even if this plan fails, Goku can just keep teleporting back from the Otherworld.

     With the ability to come back from the dead at will, Goku WILL eventually succeed in destroying superman.

     So, yeah.  Superman might TECHNICALLY win the death battle.  But Goku will find a way to persevere in the end.

     Anyway, that's just my two cents.

One Hell of A Day!

     I have literally been up since 5:30 this morning, out and about town, among the absolutely horrifying crowds, spending the last little bit of my money on christmas presents for people that, right now, I don't even like.  (Spoilers, I'm tired and grumpy, I'll like most of them fine by morning).  I witnessed no less than three fender benders, and I'm pretty sure I ran over a sheep (or maybe a small man wearing a sheepskin coat) without stopping.

     My point is, it was crazy out there and I am tired.  I have nothing creative or observant to say tonight.

     Except that.

     And that.

     And that.

     And that, and this, and the next thing.

     Goodnight, fare thee well.  May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The Seinfeld Paradox

     You know, sometimes I sit down to write something here and I have nothing to say.  I don't want to post an old story because I've been doing that a bit too much, I feel, and I need to save my old work for later.  This is a 365 day writing challenge after all.  But this leads me to a thought.

     Can writing about having nothing to say count as an update?  I mean, I am being creative, even if it is only a stream of consciousness type thing.  Well, I don't know.  But I aim to find out!

     *Spoilers:  Yes, it counts!*

     In other news:

     Christmas is in a few days, and I'm spending way too much money on gifts for my friends and family.  Money I shouldn't be spending.  Money that would be better suited to paying bills.  But I'm pretty sure my daughter and wife will be very happy come Christmas morning!  And I'll be honest:  I would trade almost anything to keep my daughter happy.  Seeing her smile and listening to her laugh is the highlight of my day, and I don't know how I ever made it through the days without her.

     So, I guess what I'm rambling on about boils down to this:

     Merry Christmas, everybody!  May you find joy in the face of hardship, the same way I have!

Back Doors

     I promised this one in the very first post of this challenge:  Prepare for some blasphemous hilarity!  While I may not have the whole script ready, I can at least tell you the story behind my imaginary off-broadway production of "Butt-Christ & The Anal Apostles"!

     You know how sometimes you read something wrong, and for an instant find it really funny, until you read it again and it clears itself up?  For instance, a highway sign that says 'Bowler-Johns 5 Miles', at a glance, you could read that as 'Blow-Jobs Smile' and chuckle.  Well, I was pulling into the parking lot at school and happened to glance at a sticker in the window of an SUV.  The sticker read 'Not I But Christ' but my mind added a 't' and a comma to read 'Not I, Butt Christ'.  Completely changes the inflection, doesn't it?

     Well, this got me laughing, and it was one of those things that just tickled me in the right way and I laughed about this for a solid two days.  Intoning in a deep voice: "Not I, Butt-Christ!" and then laughing myself silly.  I actually hurt my chest I was laughing so hard.  I spent the rest of the next two days coming up with one liners and random thoughts, eventually morphing a single funny throwaway line into what you are about to read.

     Who knows, maybe I'll actually write the script.  But for now, I'm presenting you with this outline.

 - - - - -

Butt-Christ & The Anal Apostles

Written By : Pokey M. Smith

Music and Lyrics by : Pokey M. Smith, Albatross Gnomingtonson

Act I

Scene 1

 - Open on MARY MAGDALENE and JESUS in a field, M.M. is trying to convince JESUS to have anal sex with her.

 - Opening Number: "There's A Back Door Into Paradise" (JESUS, M.M. DUET)

 - - Transition during orchestral breakdown to JESUS standing among his sitting APOSTLES,

 - - Song Cont: "There's A Back Door Into Paradise, Part 2" (JESUS, M.M., MATTHEW, LUKE, JOHN, JUDAS, THOMAS D., other APOSTLES singing chorus)

 - Big Finish - Curtain - Transition to modern day library

Scene 2

 - FATHER BERNARDO and SISTER ANNA are perusing an old looking document

 - - They are discussing the document, which is an account of the events in the previous scene

 - - - - -

     I'm going to stop here, because I've decided to actually try my hand at writing this.  I'm going to post scenes and song ideas (as I finish them) on this blog.  I'm thinking this could be the next "Book Of Mormon", but then again, nobody ever accused me of NOT being a delusional optimist!  Who knows, maybe I'll finish the play and try to get my local theatre group to perform it.  We could use some more irreverent comedy around here!

     Anyway, Good Night & Asses Tight, everybody!

A Role Well Played

     Y'all may remember a bit back I posted the backstory for the D&D game I ran for a year.  It's called Deus Ex Arcana, and I think you should give it a read, or this post won't make sense at all.  I am trying to set up another game with some new faces and some old faces, and I wrote up a character biography for each of the main players in my previous game.  Since it's set in the same world, and the new players are basically trying to hunt down the old players at the start of the game, I made the bio's into intelligence reports.

     Below is the bio for my buddy J.D.'s rogue (the same J.D. I was watching Doctor Who with a few days ago).  I am posting this here to illustrate some of the crazy shit that went down during the campaign.

     Enjoy!

 - - - - -

Player: J.D.

Name: 'X'

Race: Elven

Class: Rogue

Level: 10

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Known Equipment:  

- Vest enchanted to always contain thieves tools.

- At least two throwing javelins that strike like lightening bolts.

- Self crafted masterwork crossbow with 'Nine Lives' enchantment (See note 1).

- Several Immovable Rods

- Large Enchanted Bag of Holding

- Gloves that allow the climbing and traversing of walls and ceilings at great speed.

- A divinely enchanted headband that allows him to walk/run across the surface of water

- Several 'Translocation Stones' (note 2)

- A tunic enchanted to make goblins instantly trust the wearer. (See: Attached file, Giblet)

- A variety of enchanted and alchemical crossbow bolts (note 3)

Known Skills:

     Expert crossbow marksman; competent longsword fencer; expert in the field of stealth and concealment; expert thief; skilled at misdirection and bluffing; expert at intimidation and causing fear; able to slip locks (enchanted or otherwise) with or without (albeit in a less timely manner) the assistance of tools; speaks several languages including Elven, Common, Dwarven, Draconian, Shipspeak (Pirate shorthand), and Gobbeldygook (Goblin language); skilled weapon smith; and possible Controlled Were-rat Lycanthropy (unconfirmed).

Dossier: (From Imperium Intelligence)

     The Xox-Elven terrorist known only as 'X' should be considered armed and extremely dangerous.  Under no circumstances should he be engaged in combat without at least 3-1 numerical advantage, preferably more.  X is a highly skilled marksman with a crossbow which is enchanted with the 'Nine Lives' enchantment (note 1) be wary and do not allow yourself to be within range without ample protection.  The subject is known to consort with Confederation Military assets (though he has not, as of yet, taken a commission therein).  

     His combat tactics favor retreating into the shadows (preferably to high ground, including walls and ceilings) and utilizing his skill with his crossbow and birds eye view of the field to support his team in battle.  In any combat scenario against X and his regular companions, X should be a priority target for any soldier able to fight at range, lest he use his position and pinpoint accuracy to inflict major losses.

     Be wary of the subjects companion, a Goblin (believed to be an escaped product of now defunct 'Project Cadmus') known only as 'Giblet'. Giblet is fiercely loyal to X and will die to defend his master without hesitation.  Giblet should be treated as a high level melee combatant, he wields two curved swords, one longer than the other, and is particularly skilled in their use for simultaneous attack and defense.

     X is not fond of conversation, and has been known to attack during parley without warning, including slaying a member of the imperial royal guard in one shot from his crossbow 'from the hip' at greater than Forty paces.  

     By order of the Royal Elven Imperium:  The terrorist known as 'X' is considered a class 1 threat to the Imperium and is to be apprehended, dead or alive, on sight at all costs.

Addendum: (From: Human Confederation Intelligence Services)

     The Elven Rogue/Thief known as 'X' is considered friendly to the confederation, and has proven capable in combat and intel gathering missions.  He has not pledged any oath of loyalty and should be considered a civilian regarding classified matters, the CIS deems X to be an asset and should be treated as a friend of the confederation.

**Notes**

(1) - The 'Nine Lives' enchantment is not well known to Imperium mages, it is believed to accelerate the aging process in the victim, using the expended Life-Force to heal the attacker, this enchantment should be considered a level 5 curse and top priority should be given to researching a counteracting spell or charm.

(2) - Translocation Stones, commonly known as 'Port-Stones', are one-time use crystals that can be used to instantly transport a person or very small group of persons from one location to another (which has been firmly visualized in the mind of the user).  The stones were manufactured at Dragonwatch Keep, but supply has dried up since the keep was captured by unknown terrorist elements.  The stones can be dangerous in untrained hands, though any person who has undergone basic Mage training should be able to successfully operate a Translocation Stone.

(3) - The Terrorist known as 'X' is known to carry at least Four types of specialized crossbow bolts in addition to normal ammunition.  Silver Bolts, capable of penetrating magical defenses, that are highly effective against magic elemental creatures and especially Were-Animals.  'Screaming' Bolts, that make a high pitched wail as they fly, causing uncontrolled magical panic in the unaware and those without specially trained mental discipline.  Hollow Bolts with collapsable tips that can carry anything from gunpowder (for an explosive strike) to any number of complex poisons, capable of incapacitating or killing a foe in one shot.  And a small number of Blessed Bolts that have been enchanted by a divine being to never miss their target.

 - - - - -

     The real beauty of this character, though is how J.D. plays him.  And yes, he has a hyperintelligent samurai Goblin for a loyal manservant.  Think Han and Chewie if Chewie were well spoken, green skinned, 4 feet tall, and carried around twin swords.

     I'll post the rest of the character bios later, don't worry, they're all just as awesome as this one!

     Goodnite, all!

Christmas Poetry Corner

     As I sit here, helping my mom decorate her tree, I am really feeling the Christmas spirit.  So, in honor of the holiday, I provide you with a poem.  I hope you enjoy it!

 - - - - -

A Miracle

'Twas the week before Christmas, 

and I finally got paid

Time for some shopping

But I've no time, I'm afraid

Young Piper wants a gadget

Emelia a dolly

Jess wants a kureg

For making her coffee

Mom wants new slippers

And pajamas to match

Ben desires a nice coat

Name brand, Natch

Jerrod wants an iPhone 

To run the latest games

Sarah has her eye

On a book of baby names

William wants new rims

For his baby, his jeep

While Megan wants shoes

To bedazzle her feet

Courtney wants a ticket

To fly home for the holiday

To be with her family, she

Hates being far away

All of these loved ones

Want a good Christmas morn'

I'm afraid I can't provide

My poor wallet's nearly shorn

Paycheck in hand

To the bank I now fly

Have to make the deposit

before gifts I can buy

My thoughts turn stressful

How can I afford

To give everyone the

Christmas they'll adore?

Arriving at the bank

An open counter I find

Filling out the forms

There's so much on my mind

While the teller is working

I am feeling such the jerk

But what little I have

Will just have to work

The deposit is made

My nerves, already fraught

I ask for a balance

Just as an afterthought

How am I going to stretch

Less than a months pay

Into so many presents

For my families happy day?

I shove the receipt in

My pocket without care

Time to get down to business

For the mall I must prepare

As I fish for my keys

The receipt falls to the ground

I stoop over to grab it 

And let out a strangled sound

That number can't be right

It is much too high

There must have been an error

That has to be why

Back into the bank I fly

Hope lending bounce to my feet

The teller happily prints out

My recent statement sheet

I stare at the paper, in my eyes

Tears are beginning to shine

But...  How?  I stammer

The teller points to the last line

A sizable transfer deposit

Enough to cover the whole show

Was made yesterday

From an account I don't know

There's no name on the line

Just some initials you see

I can only afford Christmas

On the gift from "S.C."

And then, somehow, I know

Though, I haven't believed in years

I am certain now, no doubts

I fight back the tears

I look to the sky

Taking a moment to pause

And whisper into the wind

"Thank you, Santa Claus!"

 - - - - -

Merry Christmas!