Simpsons Guy

So, the Simpsons finally crossed over with Family Guy.  I know this may not be a daily blog anymore, but did you REALLY think I was going to let this one slide?  What follows is my reaction to the episode, which I posted on www.escapistmagazine.com in response to Bob 'Moviebob' Chipmans review of the event.  Enjoy:

As probably one of the worlds biggest Simpsons fans (and a fan of Family Guy to boot), I gotta say this wasn't what I expected.

What I mean is, it was EXACTLY what I expected, and didn't really surprise me like I know the writers of both shows are capable of doing.

Dont get me wrong, it's a good laugh and probably worth buying the inevitable DVD release for the commentary/special features, but it wasn't anything special. And it kind of needed to be.

I agree that the setup getting the Griffins to Springfield should have been shortened (or cut altogether). And I too wish they had done more with the Marge/Lois dynamic. I also think its CRIMINAL that Brian didn't even try to order a dry martini at Moes Tavern.

All that being said, I quite enjoyed the episode. I laughed, and I really enjoyed the whole production. Especially the 'Family Guy' arrangement of the Simpsons theme. But thats the music nerd in me.

Final thought: The juxtaposition of the Simpsons setting/characters on the (much darker, more adults oriented) Family Guy really highlighted just how different the tone of the two shows are. I'm not gonna lie. Seeing torture, rape jokes, buckets of blood and gore, and the true (and horrifying) dysfunctionality of Megs relationship to her family, up next to the downright wholesome (by comparison) Simpsons was a little off putting.

Even the gag about Homers strangling wasn't enough to offset the amount of uncomfortable I felt seeing that much darkness in Springfield.

And maybe, that was the whole point.

* * * * *

Oh, one thing I left off.  Best gag?  near the end of the 'chicken fight' Homer is about to finish off Peter and he says "Say hello to Maude Flanders for me!"  I totally lost my shit at that line.

Goodnight, lovelies.

Laughing My Cares Away

So.  I've been watching 30 Rock.

What?  Why, yes.  I AM pretending that the last four and a half months didn't happen.  Why do you ask?

Anyway, I've been watching 30 Rock.  You see, my wife ran off to Kansas with her new boyfriend, leaving me with a kid, a bunch of debt, and a van that's falling apart.

Huh?  Yes, I AM glossing over the most traumatic event in my recent personal history for comedic effect.  And?

Anyway, I've been watching 30 Rock, since I find myself with a lot of free time (what with the wife running off and all).  I started watching sit-coms so maybe I could laugh, at least.

And I am laughing at 30 Rock.  I realize I'm at least a decade late to this party, but I have one question.

**NOTE** I'm only 8 episodes into the first season, so bear that in mind.

WHY am I laughing at 30 Rock?  There really isn't anything that I can point to as funny.  There have been a couple of clever bits (The snapple product placement, and Conan's cameo spring to mind), but nothing that I can say was really funny.

Yet, the more I watch the more I'm laughing my ass off.

If I figure it out I'll let you know.

For now, ima keep watching, keep laughing, and keep swimming that river in Egypt.

I'll leave you with this one parting thought:  I hope 30 Rock doesn't end like the last show I really thought was funny, namely: How I Met Your Mother.

If you didnt watch HIMYM, go fix that.  It's hilarious.  Just skip the last 20-ish minutes of the last episode, it completely ruins nearly a decade of character development.

Anyway, I'm off to do...  Umm...

Something...

Oh Captain, My Captain

Robin Williams is dead.

Leaving aside the still (at this hour) confused reports of suicide versus accident...  

ROBIN WILLIAMS IS DEAD!

I...

I can't even process this right now.

Robin Williams was one of the pillars of my depression addled young adult life.  His comedy, along with George Carlin and Douglas Adams were sometimes the only thing that kept me off the proverbial ledge when things got really bad in my life.  And now all three of them are gone.

This loss is immeasurable to me.  It's like the whole world seems a bit less colorful and a bit more grey.

RIP, Mr. Williams.  You were one of the funniest people who ever lived, and no one will ever be able to compare.

Nanu Nanu

Been awhile...

     So.  It's been a while.  I've been busy as hell with school and a flare up of some health issues, but I'll be ok.  I just wanted to apologize to both of my readers for dropping the ball on this.

     Honestly, life is stressful and things had to let up somewhere, and, as much as I love writing for you, it had to let up here.

     I have some things going on, and I will continue to post infrequently for a while until things calm down, but I will get back to daily updates.

     So, to both of my readers.  I'll see you on the flip side.

Give me a medal in Slacksmanship.

     Oh, I am just the WORST kind of person.

     I haven't updated my daily blog in four days.

     I could bore y with details but you don't care, and if you were close enough to me that you DID care, you would already know why I'm late.  Rest assured I will be correcting this mistake.  I promised 365 updates (at least) and that's how many youre going to get.

     Over the next weekend, I will be updating a lot.  Probably twice or three times a day.  Until I'm caught up.

     And it's going to be good stuff too.  No filler.  Real stories or poetry or essays.

     I PROMISE.

     Until tomorrow, my patient lovelies!

Peanuts and Birthdays

     Just a few minutes until sunrise...  Umm...  Today is (was) my daughters sixth birthday!  That's right, six years ago today, on March 31st I was flooded with overwhelming emotions.  Consisting of 47% terror (at being a new father), 51% joy/love (at my wonderful new baby girl), and 2% disappointment (because if she had held out for another four hours, she would have been an April Fools Baby, and that would have resonated with my inner comedian).

     Over the years, that has changed to be 89% Joy/Love (with my amazing little girl), 10% Terror (that something bad will happen to her), and 1% Disappointment (c'mon, she coulda been an April Fools Baby!)

     But I tell you.  The Love always wins out.

     So HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Piper!  May your life be as joyful and interesting as mine has been.  It is a pleasure and an honor to be guiding someone as wonderful as you on her first steps down the path of existence!

     Goodnight, everybody!

Superstar Tag Team Et-Cetera

     I have a confession to make.  I love a very specific type of film.  When Internet reviewers/commenters try to frame their reviews with a fictional plot and homemade costumes and such, I love it!  I find it fascinating and, if done well, really fun to watch.

     As such, I am a big fan of Bob "Moviebob" Chipmans 'The Game Overthinker' series.  Gaming commentary with a narrative framework that can be charitably described as low budget.  Its creative as hell and really fun!  But he's not my only Internet video secret crush.

     I may have mentioned once...  Or twice...  Or a dozen times... Whatever, it's come up.  I may have mentioned that I am a BIG fan of the guys at www.loadingreadyrun.com because they have been producing quality web video content for more than a decade now (among their many MANY projects). Everything they do is pretty much golden!

     Then there's ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.

     I like The Nostalgia Critic, and I think the site is very well done, with a team of reviewers and an interlocking continuity of fiction that frames all their reviews.  It's all entertaining and fun, especially when they do their annual "specials" like 'Kickassia' or 'To Boldy Flee'.  But my favorite part of the site HAS to be Lewis 'Linkara' Lovehog (forgive me if I'm spelling his name wrong, it's late and I'm doing this from my phone).  My start with ThatGuyWithTheGlasses was with Linkara's 'History of Power Rangers'videos.

     Brief aside:  Linkara is a MASSIVE fan of all forms of The Power Rangers, and his History of Power Rangers videos are an EXHAUSTIVE history of every season of the show.  It's an absolutely astonishing level of detail and it is deservedly popular.

     Anyway, I got into 'TGWTG' because of Linkara's 'HoPR' videos, but I've been slowly drawn in by everything else.  I'll admit that beyond Linkara and The Nostalgia Critic I haven't watched much of the stuff on the site, but it's all definately on my list.  That's not why I brought them up, though.  I mention Linkara (and his continuity driven fictional framework) to tell you about his OTHER show on TGWTG.  Atop The Fourth Wall.

     Atop The Fourth Wall (Where bad comics burn!) is a review show for bad comic books.  And it's also where most of the fictional framework takes place (at least for Linkara).  It's entertaining, often hilarious, occasionally moving, and just downright well put together!  I can't really recommend it enough, especially if you (like me) are a fan of Comics but don't really have the time of finances to read them regularly anymore.

     Anyway.  I brought all THAT up to beg for something that I would REALLY love to see happen.

     Moviebob?  Linkara?  Listen up for a second.  Both of you are great amateur filmmakers.  Both of you do review and commentary shows as an outlet for your (very entertaining) respective fictions.  Also, in BOTH of your narratives, you have introduced the concept of a Multiverse and Dimension Hopping.  Do you see where I am going with this?

     Let's get a CRAZY AWESOME TAG TEAM SUPERSTAR TEAMUP thing happening!  I'm talking a crossover!  I would LOVE to see The Game Overthinker and Ivan (the fairy intern) show up in Linkaras world just in time to help defeat Dr Insano.  Or have Comicron One (Linkara's spaceship) pop over to the Overthinker-verse to do battle with The Anti-Thinker.  Wouldn't it be AWESOME!?

     I think it would be.

     Anyway, goodnight, lovelies!

Reaper of Free Time, more like!

     Warning, if you don't play Diablo III (and, to a lesser extent, it's 'Reaper of Souls' expansion) then you won't have any idea what I'm talking about.  The following assumes at least a basic knowledge of the game from here on out.  You have been warned.

 - - - - -

     Holy crap Diablo 3 is fun!  I've been having such a blast playing in adventure mode with my Barbarian that I haven't even really started my crusader, yet.  I found some cool stuff, and one item that has me laughing even now, several hours later.

     I found a legendary potion.  I swear to god I am not making this up:

     - Bottomless Potion of Kulle Aid It replaces your potions in your hotbar.  It restores 60% of your life (exactly like a regular potion), it has a 30 second cooldown (exactly like a regular potion), and it's reusable!  Like, you don't have to have more than one.  Normally you carry a stack of health potions, somewhere between 50 and 99 of them, so you can pop one when you need some emergency health. But this legendary potion is INFINATELY REUSABLE!

     I will never have to buy another potion again!

     Oh, and as awesome as that is already, there's more!

     The item also says: You can break through the walls created by 'waller' elites for 5 seconds after drinking from this potion.

     So.  It's the same benefit as a regular potion, has the same cooldown as the regular potion, and doesn't require a stack to work...

     That would be awesome even if it DIDN'T turn me into the Kool Aid man!

     Oh, YEEEAAHHH!

Freedom Ringing In My Ears.

     Yaay!  Update time!

     So, as most of you know, I'm in school.  I'm actually taking an Intro to The New Testament class and boy, I really shouldn't have.

     You see, this class is turning into a thinly veiled sermon from the pastor that is teaching it.  The class is billed as a historical look at the culture and writings of The Biblical New Testament.  But it's not.  It's a Christian-centric dose of college level Sunday school about the divinity of Jesus and one mans interpretation of scripture.  

     Now, don't get me wrong.  My teacher is a really nice guy.  He's just really set in his ways.  And, unfortunately for the neutrality of the classroom, his ways are those of an old Protestant pastor.

     As my friends will be not-at-all-surprised to hear, I have a few problems with this class.

     You see, I don't consider myself a Christian.  I'm not an atheist, and I am a very spiritual person.  My faith is personal and very important to me.  I'm not going to go into detail on a blog, but if you ask me directly (through email or even comments) I'll tell you anything you want to know.

     On top of my not being a Christian, I still have some issues with the way Christianity is followed today.  Not the least of which is my previously mentioned stance on Homosexual Marriage which, as you will recall, is nearly VIOLENTLY at odds with the stance of most organized churches.

     Also, you will be absolutely SHOCKED to hear, I can be an opinionated jackass sometimes.  I know!  Unthinkable, right?

     It's been...  Interesting, to say the least.

     But today was particularly so.  You see, I basically called my professor a liar to his face.

     Ok, here's the story:

     He was talking about the 10 commandments, and in passing he said this:  "Now, there's something powerful about the 10 commandments, they can warp your mind!  That's why they aren't allowed in schools or courthouses, because it might make people crazy, you see."

     "That's not true!" I blurted out before I could stop myself.  Brought the whole class to a halt.  He just looked at me and I decided I might as well go all in on this one.

     I talked about the separation of church and state, and the constitution, and about the large number of non Christians who might be offended by Christian doctrine/paraphernalia adorning a public building paid for by the taxpayers.

     He responded by asking this:  "Separation of church and state, huh?  Well let me ask you something.  Where in the constitution does it say that?  It doesn't!"

     Without missing a beat, I came back with "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, nor prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

     He had the nerve to tell the class that that had nothing to do with the separation of church and state, that was about not establishing a state-religion.  He was (and still is) wrong.

     That quote is from the constitution of the united states of america.  The highest law in the most powerful country on the planet.  And it says "...no law RESPECTING an establishment of religion..." (emphasis mine).  That line forms the legal basis for the whole idea of the separation of church and state.

     Congress is prohibited (and thus, the government as a whole is prohibited by implication) from passing laws that recognize any religion over any other.  That's why Ten Commandments and Crucifixes aren't allowed in public buildings, allowing Christian iconography in the public spaces could be seen as favoritism of Christianity over other religions.  And that is precicely what is prohibited by the wording of the constitution.

     Anyway.  I'm going to bed before this turns into an all night rant.  Goodnight, lovelies!

It's not just for my health!

     Good evening, lovelies!  It is Thursday, March 27 and it's time for the update.

     It's been a long day.  My moped decided that today was a great day to throw the spring on its Kickstarter, making a godawful grinding noise.  I want bore you with the details, but long story short:  I had my mom drop me off at the gate to the Air Force Base where I go to school, and I rode my actual bicycle the three miles to the school building.

     It has been in the 30s and 40s all week.  So it's been really cold, add sweating from exertion and you have a recipe for the flu.

     I guess I just have to keep repeating to myself:

     ImnotsickImnotsickImnotsickimnotsickimnotsickACHOOimnotsickimnotsick!

     Anyway *SNIFF*  Goodnight Folks, I'll see you tomorrow!

Time management... Not my strong suit.

     Here's the update for today, Wednesday.  That wishful rant about superhero movies was for yesterday.

 - - - - -

     So.  I had half a semester off and did I use it to really crunch down and get some design work done?  No.  I plays a bunch of Diablo and Minecraft.

     So.  Now that school is back in and I have some serious studying to do, am I hitting the books?

     Ummm...  Have we met?  No, of course I haven't been studying.  I've been bitten by the game design bug again.  It's like I'm at my most creative when I'm SUPPOSED to be doing something else.  It's weird.

     The good news is that I am well on the way to having another working prototype game to playtest.  I'm kinda on fire for this one.

     Wish me luck, nonexistent peeps!

 - - - - -

     What?  Yes.  I am studying.  Don't worry about that.  I'll be fine in school.

     Goodnite, lovelies!

A MARVELOUS Idea

     Ha Haaaaaa!  

     I'm beginning to think I'm bad at this...

     So.  Here's the update for Tuesday, March 25th:

- - - - -

     You know what would be awesome?  If the folks at Sony or Fox secretly struck a deal with Disney/Marvel and had either Spider-Man or some X-Men (respectively) show up in or around Avengers 2.

     It won't happen, of course.  At least, definately not with Sony.  That's why they rushed out the godawful Amazing Spider-Man reboot, so they could hold on to the liscences and not have a very popular character revert back to Marvel.

     But.  And don't get me wrong, this is completely based off of my assumptions and we all know what assuming does.  But.  We MAY see some leeway on the x-men issue with fox.

     Already announced for Avengers 2 are two characters named Quicksilver and The Scarlet Witch.  Canonically, in the comics, these two are the son and daughter (respectively) of Magneto, the main villain from most of the X-Men stuff.  Which would make them mutants, and Mutants are SQUARELY in the Fox wheelhouse.  Now, Disney could easily hand wave the two's origin as "We were born this way, don't ask questions."  Or they could rewrite it from the ground up, but I'm hoping they don't.

     I'm hoping that somewhere in the back rooms of the movie business, a deal was struck between the house of mouse and the murdochskateers for some continuity.  Wouldn't it be just AWESOME if the after credits shot from Captain America 2 was Steve Rogers runs into an old ww2 buddy?  Nobody sees who Rogers is looking at, but he just looks startled and says "Logan?" before a fade to black.

     It would be almost as big a 'HOLY SHIT' moment as the very first "Avengers Initiative" after credits teaser in Iron Man 1, and it would go a LONG way towards recreating the buzz about a feature of the Marvel movies that has kinda become expected at this point.

     A man can dream, can't he?

     See you later today, lovelies.

Doctor Diablo, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Game Addiction

     So, I'm tired.  I used a LOT of mental energy today working on a game design project, and a lot of physical energy driving my moped to school and back in 35 degree weather.  I was planning on staying up until midnight to get my first look at the Diablo III expansion, Reaper of Souls (which I have had on pre-order).

     You see, this is the first time an expansion has been released for a game that I am heavily invested in that isn't Magic: The Gathering, which is kinda a different beast altogether.  I've been spending a lot of time playing Diablo III in the last few weeks, I've been working hard to get my characters ready, and I got one of each class to max level.  That's a major accomplishment for me.  It's the first time I've EVER been so deep in an online game that i can experience endgame content.  It's a new experience for me!

     I mean, I was pretty heavily into Everquest for a while.  Back when it was newish, and between it's first expansion and second, I spent an unhealthy amount of time playing it, but I wasn't focused on getting to max level or anything, I was just completely lost in this living online world!  I literally skipped school for a week, just to play Everquest for 16-20 hours a day.  No lie.  I would get up with my mom, get dressed (I used to walk to school) leave and walk around the block until my mom left for work ten minutes later, then I'd let myself back in and play Everquest all day.  She came home around 5 and I would make up some bullshit about homework or whatever and just keep playing the game.

     I had a problem.

     I eventually got caught.  I think the school called her, but it may have been my buddy's mom, but by that time I had spent six days in a row playing hooky to play Everquest.  I got into a lot of trouble.  Any my mom cut me off from the game.  I was PISSED!  I raged and yelled and threw stuff and threatened her and all kinds of things, but she was the adult.  I was Seventeen and thought I knew everything.

     But, today I thank her for that.  I've seen what game addiction can do to people.  You see, online games like Everquest (or e more contemporary World of Warcraft) don't end.  And it's possible to play the game so much that your drive to live, your very drive to succeed at life gets transferred to the game.  Normally you want to finish school so you can get this job and make that money or buy this other car.  But when you get addicted to one of these games, your life becomes about wanting to reach this level so you can beat that boss and get this other item.  You put so much of yourself into the game that your actual life crumbles around you.

     It almost happened to me.  And it DID happen to my buddy.  For a while he played MMORPG's (like Everquest or WoW) literally from the time he woke up to the time he passed out that night.  He had no friends outside the game other than me, and even then he was always trying to get me to play with him.  The game became his life.  Now, it's a different story for him, he had some family issues (that have now mostly cleared up, thankfully) and some health issues (that he is getting under control) that made his real life absolutely miserable, and the game was his escape.  So nobody really blames him for losing himself in a world where he wasn't sick or lonely.

     He's doing much better now.  He still games, but now it's more of a hobby than a life replacement. But for a while, games made his unbearable life tolerable.  They got him through some rough times, and for that I will always be grateful.

     I don't know how this went from talking excitedly about diablo III to talking earnestly about game addiction...

     I tend to ramble when I get tired...

     Anywho, that's all I have to say for today.  Good night everybody!

Study Is A Four Letter Word...

     So.  As some of you know, I've been trying to design and publish a tabletop game in my spare time for a few years now.  I've got some interesting designs, and even a couple of prototypes to playtest with.  I've even had some success with a simple card game that Graham Stark of Loading Ready Run fame told me was 'Great' and 'Awesome' and 'Really Fun'.

     Needless to say, praise from one of my heroes has done wonders for my self confidence.

     Well, with school back up and running, I've been searching for something to waste valuable study time with besides video games.  You see, I purposefully got a laptop for school that won't run any newer games, no Diablo III (my current time-sink of choice) at school for me.  Heck, my laptop has trouble running minecraft when I have the settings all the way up.  And Minecraft runs in a browser window!

     Anyway, long story short, I've taken a rekindling to game design, which is my real passion, and I've been working on some of my designs.  I'm really only telling you this to ask you a question.  If I posted a .PDF of a Free-Print-And-Play version of one of my games, would you guys be interested in playing it and letting me kow what you think?

     Let me know in the comments if you might be willing to help out.  Or you can always email me (magicpokey@gmail.com).  Until tomorrow, lovelies!

/b Is Dead. Long Live /b

     I'm getting this out of the way early today because I made promises, and I intend to be busy until after midnight playing Diablo III.  Once again, forgive the font, I'm copy-pasting from my iPad notes app again.

 - - - - -

     I used to frequent /b.  A random topic forum on a website that I won't give you the address to, because finding it for yourself is part of it.  I recently decided to leave said website and it's community, and this is my heartfelt goodbye.

     Everybody keeps saying /b has changed so much and that /b sucks now and that all the new stuff is 'cancer' that is 'killing our boards'.  Well, everybody is wrong.

     The problem isn't with /b it's with us.

     You see, the people we think of as oldfriends, the people who have been around since near the beginning of /b, are growing up. 

     /b started as a reactionary board to what was perceived as a lack of freedom on the net and in our daily lives.  We were shunned in modern society, and even on most of the web, so we congregated in a place where we wouldn't be judged for our interests.

     The inherent anonymity of the Internet was taken to an extreme, as we all experimented with stuff that wouldn't be tolerated in our normal lives.  Gore, loli, wincest, even overt racism and sexism became the norm here simply because there was no individual identity and thus no accountability.  And this so called 'objectionable content' served to keep out the very people who would monitor and keep /b in check.

     The thing is, in making a haven for the degenerate within ourselves, we made a haven for the actual degenerates, and /b's downward spiral continued.

     Fast forward several years and the oldfriends of /b have grown up.  Many of us have moved on, no longer needing to feel rebellious by reading/posting on a place like /b.  but you know who hasn't grown up?  Our children.

     We grew up when the Internet was still fresh and new.  This wonderful, magical place in which we were the pioneers of exploration.  But our successors, the next generation of us, grew up with the Internet as just another facet of their daily lives. Well, information on the Internet has always been free, which means it's easier to find the same 'objectionable content' that /b was founded as a haven for.  Which in turn means such content, by it's very ubiquity, is no longer as 'objectionable'.

     What used to thrill us as teenagers and young adults for its illicit nature has become mundane for the next generation of kids.  This is a normal and natural part of the evolution of society in the internet age.  But a byproduct of all this growth is that the things we used to rely on for keeping people off of /b no longer serve as any kind of deterrent.  Thus we have been overrun by information-flooded teenagers who are looking for the same rebellion against us as we did against our parents back when /b was founded.

     There's nothing we can do to bring back the old /b without irrevocably changing it's heart.  And what's more, we don't really want that.  What we all want is a return to a younger time when WE were the ones rebelling against society, before we grew up and became that very society ourselves.  And that's something we can never have.

     It's because of all this that I decided to leave.  This place has ceased to be the sanctuary for me that is once was, and though this is natural, it is still sad.  It's time for me to move on.

     So.  To my old /b/rothers I have this to say to you:  Leave.  You've grown up, and /b isnt for you anymore.  If you just can't give /b up, then embrace the new /b.  No matter how much we may dislike the change, there is nothing we can do to stop it short of destroying the very thing we are trying to save.

     And to my new /b/rothers:  Enjoy this place, which your fathers have created, as a haven for all the bad feelings and thoughts you have to keep locked away from the rest of the world.  /b is for you.  Be good stewards.

 - - - - -

     There you have it.  Goodnight, lovelies

Middle Ages

     Nothing to say, much, today, lovelies.  I'm officially 31 now, and this was the first full day of me being Middle Aged.

     I'm kinda depressed about that.

     But, you know what?

     I'm still awesome.  And now I'm officially not a kid anymore, so I can be RESPECTED for being awesome.

 - - - - -

     That's all.  Just some food for thought.

     Goodnite, lovelies.

Applause Lights Are On

     7% power remaining, so I have to be quick.  My wife and I gave ABC's Scandal a standing ovation tonight from our living room.  Mostly for the work of actor Jeff Perry (@jscandalp on twitter).

     A complete emotional breakdown is a hard thing to do in acting.  Well, that's not true.  It's the easiest thing in the world to ham up, but making it believable, in close up no less, is no small feat.  And Jeff Perry's performance of a grieving husband was so well done that it even had my jaded wife in tears.

     Well done, sir.  Well done.

 - - - - -

     Also, today is my 31st birthday.  So HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

     Wait...

     I'm Thirty One...

     I'm officially middle aged...

     *Cue Darth Vader Voice* NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo!

     *Hides in a corner*

     Goodnight, lovelies!

BAD joke.

     Jokey McJokerson

     How many me's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

     One.

     But I'm not gonna do it because I'm tired and going to bed.

     Until tomorrow lovelies!

Rapids in the Stream of Conciousness

     Holy crap having the flu sucks.

     I find as I get older that the worst part of having the flu is the fuzzy-headedness that comes from having a fever.  It's like I can't seem to finish a thought.  It's almost like a-

     -Oh look, the kitty is on the bed with me.  She's so soft and fluffy, I love her so much-

     - fever messes with my brain.  And I'm sure the meds I'm on don't help.

     Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow, lovelies.  Goodnight.

Couch Gags and Sentiments

     This post is for Monday, March 17.  I started school again so things are a bit hectic.  bear with me, I should have everything ironed out in the next couple of weeks.

 - - - - -

     So.  The Simpsons is in its 25th season.  That means The Simpsons has been on the air for almost as long as I can remember.  Definetly as long as I can remember caring about television.  The Simpsons is an American staple, and its one of the longest running shows ever conceived.

     A lot of people will tell you that The Simpsons isn't funny anymore.  I completely disagree.  The simpsons has changed with the times, opening itself to a wider audience and being more inclusive of its humor.  At times it's punchy, with sight gags and absurdist humor the likes of which can't really be found anywhere else.  At times it's satirical, with witty and scathing commentary on any number of hot button issues facing America today.  Sometimes it's even self depreciating, making fun of its own oddball rogues gallery and breaking the fourth wall for a send up of the very disbelief we have been suspending for so long.

     Over its quarter century on the air, The Simpsons has grown with its audience, we loved the antics of Bart and Homer as kids, and as we matured so did our tastes.  And The Simpsons matured right along with us.  Over time the show became less about 'Bart and his family' and much more about life in general.  Always poking fun at the changes happening in society, even as we struggled to accept and understand them.  The Simpsons has been there for us every step of the way.  But eventually, we had to blossom as adults in our own right, and The Simpsons started to lose us.

     Some say The Simpsons isn't funny anymore.  But that's not true  The Simpsons hasn't gotten worse, it has embraced it's role in the lives of our children.  Sure, Homer and crew may not be the cultural pioneers we grew up loving anymore, but it's not OUR culture they have to pioneer for anymore.  I could spend hours talking about the Reagan era America that The Simpsons began as a reaction to, and how it has grown to embrace (and even lead, at times) the cultural revolution that grew from the backlash against the social conservatism of my fathers time.  I could write pages and pages about how The Simpsons has impacted American culture.

     And I might.  But not today.

     For today, I am going to tell you my two favorite Simpsons episodes.  Why two?  because The Simpsons has two kinds of plots.  Gut-bustingly hilarious and Sentimental (but still funny).  You know exactly what I'm talking about.  Sometimes The Simpsons can be laugh-out-loud hilarious, and other times it can be touching almost to the point of tears (with some chuckles along the way.  So I have a favorite in each category.  And if you (for some unholy reason) have never watched The Simpsons, Watch these two episodes.  It's worth an hour of your time, I promise.

     SPOILER WARNING!

     Favorite Hilarious Episode:  You Only Move Twice
      - Homer gets a job at a new nuclear facility as a manager, moving his family from Springfield to the planned community that serves his new employer, Hank Scorpio ("So long, stink town!").  It soon becomes evident that all is not what it seems, as each member of the family seems to have their own trouble fitting in.  All except for Homer, who loves (and for once is good at) his new job.  It turns out that Scorpio is actually a James Bond-esque supervillian with aims on conquering large portions of the world, and Homer is in charge of getting his Doomsday Device's nuclear reactor up and running.  Homer is blissfully unaware of all this and eventually has to succumb to his family's pleading to go home to Springfield.  In what might be the funniest 6 minutes on television, he quits his new job and gets his family back on the road.

     Favorite Touching Episode:  And Maggie Makes Three
      - The kids ask why there aren't any pictures of Maggie (the baby) around the house, and Homer tells the story of the surprise third Simpson child.  Culminating in begging the evil Mr. Burns for his old job back.  Mr. Burns agrees but puts a permanent plaque on the wall in Homers office that reads "DON'T FORGET, YOU'RE HERE FOREVER".  At the end of the story, Homer (who has been unenthusiastic about the third baby all the way through the pregnancy) falls instantly in love with the new bundle of joy.  The very end sees the kids ask where all the pictures of Maggie are, as Homer didn't answer them with his story.  Homer says "I keep them where I need them most."  and the camera pans to his office, where we see the plaque, covered in pictures of Maggie, with most of the letters obscured so that it now reads "DO IT FOR HER".

     I got a little teary-eyed just typing that up.  thats how good The Simpsons can be.  Until tomorrow, Lovelies!

My Muses

     Really short one today, lovelies, just some food for thought:

     As some of you may already know, George Carlin was my hero.  I consider him one of the funniest men who ever lived and I even had the honor of seeing him perform live during his Complaints and Grievances tour in Raleigh, NC.  When he died, it was only the second time that the death of someone outside of my immediate family/friends affected me.*

     Anyway, Carlin said a lot of things that stuck with me.  I can still deliver a good chunk of his more famous monologues at the drop of a hat, and I tend to quote his stuff a lot in my everyday speech.  He was and still is a major influence on my writing and creative style.

     I consider him the quintessential master of spoken word, and the base i use to measure all other comedians against.

     No real point to this one.  I just wanted to say some good stuff about a man who, though he never knew it, had a great deal of influence on my life.

 - - - - -

     *The other was Douglas Adams.  I'll get into him later, but if you've never read The Hitchikers Guide To The Galaxy books then you need to correct that.  His lesser known 'Dirk Gently' series is also very good.  There's a reason Terry Pratchett (Author of the Discworld novels, another of the greats in my book) has been called the 'Douglas Adams of Fantasy'.

     Anyway, I just wanted to share some of that with you.  Goodnight, lovelies!

I'm Gonna Eat A Worm

     Depression sucks.

     Yep.  It's gonna be one of THOSE updates today, so go ahead and skip this one if you don't want to listen to me bitching about life for the next few minutes.  It's ok.  You wouldn't be the first person to ignore my pain.

     Wow...  That got a little maudlin...

     Sorry about that.

     So, here's the low down.  My birthday is coming up (March 20 in case you were wondering), and my family was planning on taking me out for dinner.  I'm turning 31, so I'm already a little depressed about the whole 'aging' thing to begin with.  Everything was fine.  I was even told that, surprisingly, my brother would be visiting for my birthday, and this made me kinda happy.  My brother moved several hours away, and I never get to see him anymore.

     Then, today, my mother just casually dropped a bombshell into conversation.  Like it didn't even matter.

     Oh, by the way, your brother isn't coming anymore.  Yeah, he's got some hobby sports thing instead.  Also?  Your sister, whom you haven't seen in weeks, has another birthday party to go to, and she might not make it either.

     Yeah.

     So much for family always being there for me?  Right?

     I mean, it's not like it's the end of the world.  I didn't even realize how happy I was that we were all getting together until we suddenly weren't anymore.  It really hurts.

     Like, to the point that I've been crying for a while now.

     Granted.  There's other stuff too, stuff that I don't really want to get into on a public forum that has me depressed.  But the thought that my siblings can just throw me away like that still really stings.  I'm sure that's not what they think they are doing.  I mean, I know life gets in the way sometimes, but still.

     It hurts to feel like you don't matter to the people you care about.

 - - - - -

     Anyway, that's enough bitching for one night.  I'm sorry, lovelies, I'll be more entertaining tomorrow.

**UPDATE** - It turns out that my sister might be able to make it after all, as long as her other thing doesn't run long.  Is it the depression talking or does it sound like I shouldn't get my hopes up?

     I think it's just the depression talking.

     I'm going to sleep now.  It will all look better tomorrow.

     Goodnite, lovelies.

     

Who Watches The REDACTED

     Short one today, lovelies.

     Over the last two days, I have watched the entirety of season one of Arrow.  You know, Arrow, the spiritual successor to Smallville.

     You remember Smallville, right?  The ten year long series about the young life of Superman (A.K.A. Clark "Kind Of A Tool" Kent).  Contrary to the opinion of most fanboys, who are VERY loud, Smallville was actually really good.  I mean, you had to let go of established Superman lore, but the show was good drama and good fun, especially in the later seasons.

     You may remember, if you will admit to watching Smallville that is, that Green Arrow (A.K.A. Oliver "Not Bruce Wayne, Really, See, I Have A Bow" Queen) was a regular character on the later seasons.  Well, the Green Arrow from Smallville and the Green Arrow from Arrow are NOT the same character.  But, even though it's not the same Green Arrow, it's got the same drama, the same action and the same feeling as Smallville.

     Don't let that drive you away.  Dammit, Smallville was GOOD!  It was on for Ten years for a reason. Nobody in television lasts Ten Freaking Years unless they're doing something right.  So, seriously.  Give Arrow a shot.  You just have to let go of any misgivings about them changing certain parts of the story.  Think of the show like an elseworlds story, a parallel universe to the DC Comics world you know and love.

     So, go watch Arrow.  The first season is on Netflix.  I heartily recommend it.

     Until tomorrow, lovelies!

Case Files 1

     Story time, for today.  As sort of an apology for missing a few days here and there.  Enjoy, lovelies!

 - - - - -

     The following is the written transcript of Doctor REDACTED (MD, PHD, BS, Etc.) and the lab experiment that became known as “Project Thirteen”. What follows is the laboratory observations of the primary subject (E.T.E. Thirteen-42, known henceforth as only 'Subject').

August, 4, 1992

     The new Extra Terrestrial Entity Subject was admitted into the facility today. Subject appears to be unconscious, and does not respond to audible, visual or light tactile stimuli, though the rise and fall of breath seems to indicate the presence of life. Subject seems to be wounded with burns on approx. 60% of subject's body, this seems to correlate with Gen. REDACTED's report of subject falling to earth in a re-entry fireball from apparent space.

     Subject's morphology is quite different from our own, almost to the point of not being humanoid.  In fact, we're it not for the presence of vestigial protrusions in the approximate positions of humanoid arms and legs, I would definately classify subject as a non-humanoid.  Subject's body consists of an amorphous spherical torso section, eighteen inches across, with what can only be described as short, stubby 'arm' pseudopods and slightly darker 'foot' analogue pseudopods. Subject's body seems to consist of an extremely flexible, light pink, rubber-like flesh, with the 'feet' being a darker rose color.

     Subject has two closed 'eyes' which refuse to open even when forceps are employed. Subject shows no examples of a nose or ears. Of particular interest is the subject's 'mouth', which could more accurately be described as a 'maw' that stretches from one end of the subjects entire body to the other. Though the 'mouth' has proven to be just as resilient to opening efforts as the eyes, the size of the orifice would suggest that the mouth consists of approximately 80% of the subjects body volume.

August, 6, 1992

     Subject has seemingly awoken, (the eyes are blue in color and strangely human in the shape of the iris) but subject refuses to try to communicate. The burns on subjects body do not seem to be healing naturally, and they seem to cause discomfort. Despite the obvious pain, subject seems upbeat, smiling with 'bright' eyes at the doctors who come in to change the bandages. Subject has carefully avoided opening its mouth more than a fraction of an inch since it regained consciousness, and only then to sip broth during mealtimes. The reason for this is currently unknown.

August, 7, 1992

     Breakthrough! After repeated refusal of (and disdain for) the nutrient cakes, one of the interns decided (on her own initiative) to offer to share her lunch with the subject. The subject immediately became more animated and eagerly allowed the intern to spoon microwave tomato soup into its mouth. Swallowing was of particular interest as the subject seems to violate all conventional morphology and possibly physics as well. The act of swallowing consists a full body compression, wherein the subject flattens itself into a disc shape before returning to its original form, whereupon the subject's body produces small clouds of yellow colored gas in the shape of a five pointed, stylized, star (from just under the 'arms'). The gas dissipates almost instantaneously, but further investigation allowed us to gain a sample. Gas seems to be harmless helium and contains no toxicity.

     What is more, the subjects body seemed to react to the soup by partially healing itself of its burns. The subject seemed as surprised by this as we were, and quickly began communicating through waving its arms and a high pitched squeals, indicating that it wanted more of the food. The intern wisely offered the rest of her bowl to the subject, who smiled at her in a most charming way before opening its mouth wide and SUCKING the entire bowl into its body! After another compression swallow (producing slightly bigger 'stars') the subject was completely healed of its burns! Further testing of different foodstuffs is recommended.

August, 9, 1992

     Subject seems to have no upper limit on the amount of materiel it can consume. To date, Subject has eaten over one and a quarter metric tonnes of tomatoes.  Tomatoes being the only food subject will eat.  They are brought in by the basketfull, and are promptly inhaled, basket and all, through the mouth. Of interest is the suction caused by Subject opening its mouth, small instruments have been placed within the bushels of tomatoes and measurements of wind speed and force have determined that subject inhales objects and air at over 100mph.

     Gen. REDACTED has been pressuring me for more information faster, I have advised against his involvement as subject does not seem to be a threat.  The general informed me he was pursuing authority to interrogate the subject over my objections.

August, 11, 1992

     I don't know, exactly how it happened. Subject has escaped. Over my objections, Gen. REDACTED raided the lab this afternoon, approaching the subject with weapons drawn, demanding information. Subject looked confused for a moment until the general fired a warning shot, grazing the subjects left side. Subject responded with force.

     Subject opened its mouth wider than I have ever seen, and INHALED the screaming general. The screams were quickly cut off when subject swallowed, releasing a large cloud of gas. When the gas cleared, subject was holding the generals gun and seemed to be wearing a rough approximation of the generals helmet on its head. Subject opened fire on the soldiers, shrugging off a volley of bullets itself before inhaling again. This time a group of three soldiers were inhaled, and the subject seemed to expand to hold the men. Subject looked towards the ceiling ans SPAT the men, who had become a glowing star-like projectile which punched a massive hole through the roof of the complex.  The men are still unaccounted for.

     Subject inhaled a large amount of air and inflated itself like a balloon to double its regular size. Then proceeded to jump into the air and FLOAT through the hole in the ceiling.  The last I saw of subject, it was floating towards the setting sun.

August, 11, 1992

     *Gruff Male Voice* Dr. REDACTED has been removed from this facility for questioning regarding the failure of “Project Thirteen.” After the failed interrogation, which resulted in the apparent deaths of General REDACTED and three marines, subject has escaped the facility and is, literally, in the wind. NORTHCOM reports an unidentified flying object over the general airspace of the facility and has tracked it due west. Command code Alpha Two Niner Echo.  Authorize special agent 'King' for immediate retrieval operations. Order code: D.D.D. (Detainment Debriefing and (if necessary) Destruction).

 - - - - -

     Until tomorrow, lovelies!

Knock Knock

     Got home from school and immediately fell asleep for 13 hours.  Maybe I should get tested for mono...

     Here's the update for Wednesday, the worlds most annoying joke.  With my two interns, Thomas and Steve.  Take it away, boys:


     Thomas: Knock Knock.

     Steve: Who's there?

     Thomas: Banana.

     Steve: Banana who?

     Thomas: Knock Knock.

     Steve: Umm.  Who's there?

     Thomas: Banana.

     Steve: Banana who?

     Thomas: Knock Knock.

     Steve: Seriously?  Who's there?

     Thomas: Banana.

     Steve: *sigh*Banana who?

     Thomas: Knock Knock.

     Steve: Dammit.  Who's there?

     Thomas: Banana.

     Steve: Banana.  FUCKING.  Who?

     Thomas: Knock Knock.

     Steve: AAARRRGGHHH!  Who's there?

     Thomas: Banana.

     Steve: No, I'm not doing this anymore.

     Thomas: Knock Knock.

     Steve: Seriously.  I'm done.

     Thomas: Banana.

     Steve: Fuck you!

     Thomas: Knock Knock.

     Steve: ...

     Thomas: Banana.

     Steve: LA! LA! LA!  I CAN'T HEAR YOU!  LA!  LA!  LA!

     Thomas: Knock Knock.

     Steve: CHRIST, FINE!  If I answer you, will you go away?

     Thomas: Banana.

     Steve: *long pause* Banana...  Who?

     Thomas: Knock Knock.

     Steve: So help me God, I will end you and all that you love!  WHO.  IS.  THERE!

     Thomas: Orange.

     Steve: Orange?  Oh my god, FINALLY!  Orange who?

     Thomas: Orange you glad I stopped saying 'banana'?

     *Gunshot*

 - - - - -

     Until tomorrow later today, lovelies!

gLee(k). I am one.

     I'm getting out ahead of this one before I pass out in bed again.

     I'm watching glee.  I love glee.  Everybody loves glee.  Even if you don't love glee you love glee.  It's that pervasive.  Glee is kinda like reliving the best parts of high school, set to great music.  If you haven't watched glee then, by god, go on Netflix and watch some episodes.

     I'm not going to be on here very long.  But I have one question.  Why hasn't glee done a "Weird Al" Yankovich episode yet?  Seems right in their wheelhouse, and I'm pretty sure the king of polkas (on 45)  himself would love to make an appearance.

     Hear me, glee producers?  Weird Al.  Get on that.

     Until tomorrow, lovelies!

Missing time (and a bad joke)

     Ok, seriously?  It's like I can't get enough sleep.  I slept so much yesterday that I forgot to update.  I'm sorry.

     So here's a quickie for Monday.

     A drunk walks into a bar, he's already three sheets to the wind so the bartender tells him to get out.  He leaves, walks around the block, and back into the same bar.  "get the hell outta here!" so he leaves.  He walks around the block again and back into the same bar.  "Buddy, if I see you again I'm going to deck you!"  The drunk turns to leave but says over his shoulder:

     I'll go, but man, there's no friendly bars in this town!

     *BA-DUM--TISH!*

Introductions Are In Order

     LIGHTS UP ON CLOSED RED VELVET CURTAIN.  DRUMROLL     

     Announcer: It's Niiiiine o-clock here, live on the web, and this is your SUNDAY UPDATE!

     LIFT CURTAIN, REVEAL LOGO, DRUMROLL TRANSITIONS INTO OPENING MUSIC

     ANNOUNCER: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Tonight's episode of The Sunday Update!  Brought to you by [INSERT SPONSOR NAME HERE]!

     LOGO RISES OFF SCREEN ON FLY, ZOOM CAMERA 1 TOWARDS DESK, LIGHTS UP ON DESK

     ANNOUNCER: Starring: [ZOOM TO MAGICPOKEY, IN SUIT BEHIND DESK] Pokey Smith! [WHIP PAN TO MAGICPOKEY, PAINTING A'LA BOB ROSS] Pokey M. Smith! [WHIP PAN TO MAGICPOKEY, IN FULL SUPERHERO REGALIA, CAPE BLOWING IN WIND] Pokey "Mild Mannered" Smith [WHIP PAN TO MAGICPOKEY IN DRAG, POSING LIKE MARYLYN MONROE, SKIRT BLOWING UP] Pokette Smythe, and introducing: [DRUMROLL BEGINS, STAR WIPE TO MAGICPOKEY, SITTING AT COMPUTER IN BEDROOM] Magicpokey! [DRUMROLL ENDS ON CRECENDO, MUSIC CONTINUES]

     ANNOUNCER: So, without further ado, ladies and gentlefolks, HEEEERE'S POKEY!

     WHIP PAN TO MAGICPOKEY, PRATFALLING ONTO STAGE INTO ROLL TO FEET, BEING TOSSED A MICROPHONE, CUE MONOLOGUE 

     MAGICPOKEY: Thank you!  Thank you! ......

 - - - - -

     

Set for life!

     So.  Wow...

     Missed it by THAT much...

     This is the make-up post for Saturday.  And let me say, I'm sorry for letting the ball falter this weekend.

 - - - - -

     Quickie make-up post, today lovelies!

     So.  Wanna be set for life?  Here is my plan to be set for absolute life.

     What you will need:  $2,500,004.75 and some self restraint.*

     Step 1: Go out and get yourself a shot of decent rum.  You're going to need to bolster your self control.  (Cost: $4.75)

     Step 2: Take $1,500,000 and deposit it in a series of CD accounts that mature annually at 5%.  (Cost: $1,500,000)

     Step 3: Shop around for a decent college or military neighborhood and buy five houses in the $50,000-$65,000 range.  (Cost: $250,000-$325,000)

     Step 4: You should be down to somewhere between $750,000 and $675,000.  Spend $20,000 on each house fixing it up and getting it presentable.  (Cost: $100,000)

     Step 5: While getting the houses fixed up, make friends with the following: A contractor, an electrician, and a plumber.  (Cost: Friendship is Free, but you should have somewhere just north of $500,000 left over.)

     Step 6: Buy a nice house.  Somewhere in the $100,000-$125,000 range.  And get it fixed up really nice.  (Cost: $150,000)

     Step 7: ? ? ?

     Step 8: Profit!

     So, here's how this will set you for life.  Put the five smaller houses up for rent at $50/month LESS than similar houses in your area, this will ensure you will almost always have a tenant.  Since the houses are paid for, you get to keep the rent money as pure income.  Also, the plumber, contractor, amd electrician you made friends with will cut you a deal on maintaining the houses because you are going to be giving them so much business.  Now YOU get to live in the bigger house, with (Plus or Minus) $500,000 to blow however you want.

     But!  How will some rent money set you for life?  Sounds risky, right?  Well.  Here's the secret.  Being a landlord is only your hobby!  Remember Step 1?  Yeah, those CD's you invested in will give you $75,000 a year forever.  Do YOU make more than $75,000 a year?  Didn't think so.

     So.  Have fun!  Until tomorrow** lovelies!

     *(how you get the money is up to you, I don't know...  Rob a bank*** or something.)

     **(By 'Tomorrow' I, of course, mean later today.)

     ***(I do not condone robbing a bank, it was a joke, etcetera etcetera disclaimer stuff etcetera.)

ZzzzzzzzZZzzzzzz

     It's Friday night and I've been up all day playing Diablo 3 with my buddy Jeremy.  Good times.  But what I'm really looking forward to is tomorrow morning.  You see, Saturday is usually the one day a week when I can sleep in.  I have to get up very early on weekdays because my wife works at 6:30am and my daughters school bus arrives at 7:05.  So I'm up by six every morning.

     Before this, I was a night person.

     It kinda sucks.

     So, I usually sleep in on Saturday mornings.  It's kinda my "me-time" and I cherish it.  But for the last several weeks, due to one thing or another, I haven't been able to take advantage of my Saturday morning, and I've noticed myself getting more and more tired and burned out each day.

     That all changes tomorrow.  Tomorrow is the first Saturday in a LONG time that we don't have something to do.  And I can sleep in.  I took full advantage of that by staying up really late with my buddy Jeremy and playing video games.  It was glorious!

     So, lovelies, I will see you tomorrow.  But not first thing.  I plan on sleeping until at least Eleven, come hell or high water!

     Seriously, if you feel the need to wake me up before 10:00am you had better have a DAMN good reason.  Nothing short of a world-shaking event or actual coughing up of internal organs is going to drag me from my slumbers.

     So (and I say this with GREAT anticipation) goodnight, lovelies.  Until tomorrow!

How to be a hoodlum (for suburban rich kids) - Part 1 - The Enprankening

     Awesome, safe prank idea.  Feel free to use this one at the office or school when you need a personal day but your criminally small amount of PTO has been used up.*

     Step One: Get three miniature pigs.  You know, the special ones that are the size of terriers.  I mean, piglets would work, as would almost any other uncommon animal like roosters or monkeys, but miniature pigs (complete with diapers) would be funniest.  But all three animals must be the same or similar.  For the rest of this, Ima call them pigs.

     Step Two: Get some nontoxic paint in a bright color that contrasts well with the fur/skin/hide of your animals.  Nontoxic because we don't want to hurt the wee li'l bairns, now do we?

     Step Three: Paint the pigs with the numbers 1, 2, and 4.

     Step Four: Release the little buggers inside the building at night before the day of the prank.  Don't get caught, and make sure they have food to eat.

     The next day whoever opens the building will find the three pigs and the havoc they caused.  Chaos will ensue, but the prank isnt over yet.  The true master stroke of enjoyment will be watching them search for pig number 3 all day, getting more and more worried.

     Enjoy!  Until tomorrow, lovelies.

 - - - - -

     *(obviously there are risks involved and I take no responsibility if you manage to get in trouble for this.  The preceding was an artistic work of fiction and should not have been taken as an actual suggestion.  Remember, keep all pranking safe and lighthearted.  Wheatons Law** is, most definately, in effect here.)

     **(Wheatons Law - "Don't be a dick." - First coined in a weekly video from the Canadian sketch comedy troupe, Loading Ready Run, in the mid 2000s, and popularized during the Desert Bus for Hope marathon.  Wheatons Law is now primarily used in conjunction with chat rooms for online streaming such as Twitch.tv.)

Nonsense

     Oh crap!  Sunrise in like thirty seconds!

     Busy day.  Umm...

     School is good, moped is fine, cold air is cold, and...

     Er...

     Antidisestablishmentarianism.

     Goodnight everybody!

Quickies!

     Nothing big happened today, so here goes with an update about a bunch of little things.  I reserve the right to make a full update about any of these in the future, but here's a snapshot of where I am right now.  I'm calling this:

     Quickies!

 - 

     Cold moped driving is cold.  I drove to school today, spent an hour in the visitor center getting my pass sorted out to get on the Air Force base where my school is located, and did it all on my moped.  After an ice storm.  In sub-freezing temperatures.  I was wearing two coats and a sweater and I was still chilled to the bone.  Also?  Turns out class was cancelled today and I didn't get the message until after I was at the building.

 - 

     I finally caught up on Breaking Bad.  Overall, I REALLY enjoyed the series.  Though I do wish there had been some more closure on some of the characters.  Like Jesse or Saul Goodman.

 - 

     Been playing some more Diablo III.  The new "Loot 2.0" patch feels more like a complete overhaul than a patch, but that's par for the course for the Diablo franchise.  And so far, I'm having a blast.  I took a new character from level 1 to level 40 in a day and found no less than six legendary items.  The new loot system seems to be working and you can call me tentatively approving of the change.

 - 

     'Let it go' won an Oscar.  Good.  The song is fantastic and means a lot more than you probably realize.  Seriously, go on YouTube and listen to the song with your eyes closed.  Imagine a teenage girl who is coming out of the closet as a lesbian.  As Bob 'Moviebob' Chipman was the first to opine, 'Let it go' basically reads "Not only am I finally out of the closet, I'm FABULOUS!"

 - 

     Twitch Plays Pokemon completed Pokemon Red, and has moved onto Crystal.  Praise Helix!

 - 

     Archer Vice, which I thought would lose me when they revamped the show, is turning out to be just as funny and awesome as it has always been.  Changing up the formula a bit injected some much needed freshness into the series without changing so much that it lost its' identity.  Good stuff.

 - 

     Why hasn't Doctor Who started back up yet?

 - 

     Pokemon anime is on netflix now.  Sort of.  It only has season 1 and season 14.  Kind of a big gap in the series timeline, there, doncha think?  Also, when did Ash forget all his experience as a Pokemon trainer?  Oh!  And when did Jesse and James (of team Rocket) become semi-competent?

 - 

     Would it be a feux-pas to get a pizza from Little Ceasars, take it to my local Krispy Kreme, and eat it there so I can use the wifi?  What if I bought some doughnuts and a drink?

 - 

     Welp, there you have it.  The first Quickies update to this daily challenge.  Hope you enjoyed!  Until tomorrow, lovelies!

Would I like some cheese with that whine?

     Hey, everybody.  I'm not doing too great rit now so I won't be long on here.  I start school tomorrow.  And I have everything set up to drive my new moped to school and back.  It's kind of a hassle, since I'm attending school on the local Air Force base, so there's all these regulations I have to follow.

     But.  It's all set up and I'm good to go.

     Except that today, since about noon and still going, it has been absolutely PISSING ice and freezing rain.  So I get to drive an open air, slow, windshieldless moped to school for my first day of class.  Fifteen miles.  On ice.  In gusting winds and freezing rain.

     Yaay.

     But, I guess that's just par for the course for me these days.  I mean, it seems like, for the last few years...  Hell, the last decade more like...  For the last long while, it seems like I've been taking two steps forward only to stagger back a step when life punches me in the goddamn jaw.

     Seriously.  It's like nothing good can happen to me without a big helping of shit on the side.

     No.  I'm not bitter.  Why do you ask?

 - - - - -

     Ok, I'm cutting myself off here.  Nobody reads this blog to hear me whining about my life.  And when it comes down to it I'm doing fine.  I've got a roof over my head, electricity, water, and food.  I even live close enough to my mom that we can split the Internet bill (via some decent wireless routers). There are a bunch of people doing far worse than me.  And, when you think about it, my real problems aren't really that bad.

     So, don't cry for me, lovelies.  I'm not really that depressed.  Just kinda frustrated.

     Goodnight everybody!

Assholery

     So, this was brought to my attention today on twitter and my disgust is only rivaled by my incandescent rage.  Here's the story:

     There's this guy, a semi-popular webcomic artist, who released a book.  The profits of this book were such that he was able to pay off his student loans.  Sounds pretty good so far, right?  I mean, mild success, responsible financial decisions, good on this guy.

     So he kept drawing webcomics.  Eventually he wanted to publish another book.  So he turned to Kickstarter for the funding.  He asked for $8,000.  He got $56,000.  Still all good, right?  Good on this guy.

     Here's where things get sour.

     Sometime between the successful funding of his Kickstarter campaign and today, this guy LOST HIS FUCKING MIND!

     You see, there were some delays with the book.  Some things cost a bit more than expected and some things took longer than expected.  This guy got some emails, some allegedly harsh questions from people who had paid him for the book (which they had not received).  So he responded.

     Today he released a video.  Showing over a hundred of his new books, the ones earmarked for Kickstarter backers, the ones that had ALREADY BEEN PAID FOR, burning in a big pile.  He posted a (VERY) long winded update to his Kickstarter page.  I'm not going to repost it here, it's seriously longer than anything I've written for this blog so far.  

     And it reads like the poorly xeroxed paranoid manifesto of the crazy bum on the street corner who's always mumbling about "the fed'll getcha, markmywords!" and smells of cat pee.  I'm serious, this whole thing reads like the barely coherent ramblings of a mentally disturbed person.

     The gist of his update is this.  He wants to opt out of Capitalism.  He apparently now thinks of money as "a bad joke we only use to hurt each other" and yes, that is a direct quote.  He says he will burn another copy of his book for every tweet, email, Facebook, or other message asking where the book is, because he is not sending any more out.  He also isn't issuing any refunds.  He actually suggests that if a backer (whom, I will remind you, has ALREADY PAID for the book) wants a copy he or she should try to contact someone who already got theirs and take it from them.

     As if this wasn't bad enough.  He also spends a long time rambling about how he wants to meet someone (or someones) who think money is a joke (like he does), and therefore would they please pay for all of his living expenses while expecting nothing in return?  This guy is crazy, to be sure, but on top of the crazy he is just a colossal entitled fucking asshole.

     You see, I kind of get where he is coming from.  Wanting to opt out of a fiat-currency based economy would be an interesting experiment.  But not like this.  Here's my problem:

     This guy made promises.  He made promises about a book that he would produce for people if only these people would give him some of their money (which he conveniently didn't think of as a joke when he was asking for it).  People did give him their money.  Over a thousand people in fact.  And he got north of Fifty grand for this book.

     He OWES those people a product.  They paid for a product.  He agreed to supply a product in return for money, they supplied the money, now he must supply the product.  Or, barring that, a refund.  But he's not.  He's just going to burn the product, literally wasting it in a giant 'Fuck You' to anyone who cared enough to support him.  And he spends a long while plainly insulting people for daring to ask him about the product he promised to deliver.

     You want to go moneyless and try to live outside of the economy, that's fine.  But you don't get to accept Fifty Thousand Dollars, then claim to be broke and not supply the thing people paid for.  Or worse, actually destroy the very thing they paid for in front of them, just because you decided you wanted out.  It is an almost unfathomably awful thing to do, and this guy is literally just the worst kind of person.

     Ok, I started this trying not to mention his name.  Because I firmly believe he doesn't need any more publicity.  But I have something to say and damn it, I'm going to say it.

     Disclaimer:  This is not a threat.  This is an opinion.  I am not advocating anything, just engaging in a fantasy.  Only a fool would take the following as a suggestion or good advice.  With hat out of the way:

     FUCK YOU, John Campbell.  You are an entitled, idiotic, crazy fucking WASTE OF LIFE and the ABSOLUTE worst kind of asshole.  I'm not a violent man.  But I sincerely think that you deserve for someone to get a good run up and launch a field goal kick directly into your crotch.  I hope you get taken for everything you will ever have in a court of law.  I hope you spend the rest of your sad, pathetic, lonely life behind bars.  I don't want you to die.  I want you to regret the fact that you were ever born.

     I do not know you, and I will probably never meet you, but know that I loathe you and everything you are trying to do.  Fuck you!

     *ahem*

     Sorry.  I guess I got a bit worked up over that one.

     So, I'm going to bed.  I hear Twitch Plays Pokemon has started Generation 2, so Ima watch that to restore my shaken faith in humanity.

     Until tomorrow lovelies.

      

Father Knows Beats

     Quick one today, lovelies.

     Script idea:

     Horror/Drama, main character is a Priest in a big city, a low man on the totem pole in the church hierarchy.  Father Armstrong (working name).

     Armstrong is e priest who takes confession on most days.  The local mafia has connections to the church leadership.  The Don considers himself a devout catholic and all the 'enforcers' for the don are required to attend confession weekly.

     Father Armstrong listens to the most dispicable stuff: murder, rape, torture, just the worst, and when he tries to assign penance or encourage the mobsters to lighten up or, god forbid, turn himself in; the mobsters just laugh at him.

     The stress of having to listen to this stuff eventually gets to him and he snaps.  Father A. starts murdering mobsters.

      - (Action scenes, not in order) - 

     Hands punch through the screen in a confessional, and strangle a mobster with rosary beads.

     Nail gun used to nail someone to a wall in a 'crucifix' pose.

     Mobster beaten to death with cane in an alley.

     Sniper rifle wrapped in rosary beads, firing from a dark rooftop while Father A. recites scripture.

     Car bombs and other explosions set to a musical montage.

 - - - - -

     I don't know, I think it might work, but I don't have the time or wherewithal to actually produce it myself.  If anybody reads this and wants to use these ideas I expect a screenplay credit and at least 25% of the gross profits from the ensuing masterpiece.

     Also, I'm available to actually turn this INTO a screenplay, for the right price.

     Oh.  And I have the absolute best title.  I'm calling it:

     Sins of The Father

     I know, right!?

     Tomorrow, lovelies!

     

     

F***in' Magnets (How do they work?)

     No time for a long one, just have to drop this real quick.

     Protip:  Don't ever drop the only set of keys to your vehicle down a storm drain in a city.

     I spent the better part of an hour lying face down in a Bojangles parking lot, fishing for my keys with a magnet tied to a bungee cord.  With the most godawful sewer stanch blowing directly INTO my nose.

     There isn't enough disinfectant soap in the world to make me feel clean again.

 - - - - -

     Update:  I retrieved my keys and drove home (after thoroughly washing them in the sink at Bojangles).  Also, and I swear to god I am not making this up, there was a small crowd gathered around trying to help me by the time I got my keys.  When I triumphantly pulled them from the drain, I heard a little old lady near the back mumble "Praise Helix!"

     Almost worth it, really.

     Until tomorrow, lovelies.

     

Inappropriate Punsmanship

     Ok, so sunrise is like ten minutes out so I need to type fast.

     Joke...  Joke...  Hmmmm...

     What do you get when you crossbreed an Elephant and a Rhinoceros?

     Give up?

     Elephino!

     *laugh track*

     Say it out loud.  You'll get it.

     Until tomorrow* lovelies! 

     *(By "tomorrow" I, of course, mean later today.)

(Insert Witty Title Here)

     Well.  This isn't good.

     I literally have nothing to say.

     It's not like nothing has been happening recently.  I mean, I registered for school.  I got into the two classes I really wanted, so that's good.  I've been driving my moped around town.  I somehow injured my foot.  I even found some new (to me) content to follow on YouTube.

     I just have nothing to say about any of that.

     Well, nothing interesting, anyway.

     I have the tech set up for streaming and video production.  But I've discovered that I am woefully bad at being entertaining without someone to play off of.  I don't know.  Maybe I'll try a scripted YouTube video about something.

     I have been doing this daily challenge for over two months now, and one thing I've discovered is that I'm much better at writing funny than talking funny.

     Ooohh!  I know!  I recently found the script for a movie that I wrote with a buddy in high school.  Maybe I'll punch it up and post excerpts from it here in the coming weeks!  I'm sure it's hilariously, cringe-inducingly awful!

     Anyway.  Goodnight, lovelies.  Until tomorrow!

The Church of The Helix

     https://churchofthehelixchoir.bandcamp.com/

     I may or may not have been listening to this on a loop, so let that play in a new tab while you read this one.

     Go on, I'll wait.  Set it up to play.

     Is it playing?  Good.

     PRAISE HELIX!

     Ok, let me explain.  I'll start at the beginning in case this makes absolutely no sense to you.  On the popular streaming site www.twitch.tv there has been a social experiment running (for the better part of the past two weeks) called Twitch Plays Pokemon.  Basically someone made an IRC script that takes commands typed into the twitch.tv chat and translates them into commands for an emulator running the original game boy Pokemon Red.  Allowing anyone watching the stream to input commands and thus control the action on screen.

     This sounds kinda cool from a technical standpoint, and it is.  But there's one problem.

     Twitch Plays Pokemon now has 50,000+ people watching at any given time.

     Fifty.  Thousand.  People.

     Each of them has precicely the same amount of control over the game as each of the others.

     There are over 500 commands scrolling by every minute.  The player character is bouncing around like an epileptic mongoose on speed.  This sounds like a recipe for anarchy.  And it is.  In more ways than one, but something staggering has happened.

     As of this writing, Twitch Plays Pokemon has collected seven of the eight gym badges, navigated several puzzle dungeons, defeated team rocket, and caught Zapdos in the power plant.  Is is an absolutely staggering amount of progress for what should be essentially a random input generator.

     As amazing as the progress through the game is, something else has grown up around his stream. The fandom has gone absolutely batshit insane over this.  There is even a religion forming around some of the more memorable moments from the adventure.

     At a certain point in the game, the player is given a choice between two fossils, the Helix fossil or the Dome fossil.  Twitch Plays Pokemon (hereafter called TPP) chose the helix fossil.  In the game you can use items in battle, and a lot of the random commands entered have made the player try to use the helix fossil, giving the same error message over and over again.  Thus a cry of 'Consult the helix' became popular.

     As is the way with fandom, this idea grew in an organic manner.  Eventually the followers of the Helix had an enemy (in the form of a false prophet flareon and the dome fossil), a tragedy ('bloody Sunday' where several of the captured Pokemon were released by people trolling the chat), a messiah (a pigeot they call 'Bird Jesus' who has been with the party since the very early game), a resurrection (the helix fossil was revived into omanyte, now seen as a god, during the quest for the 7th badge), and even disciples in the form of the other Pokemon in the party.

     As of this writing, the party consists of Omanyte - the revivd helix fossil, Bird Jesus - the messiah, Air Jordan the Fresh Prince - a Lapras, All Terrain Attack Venomoth - the ATV, AJ the Archangel of Justice - Zapdos, and The Moon King - a fully evolved Nidoking.  Notable Pokemon released have been the starter (a charmander named Abby) and DigRat (a rattatta who knew dig).  There have been more, but I don't know them all off e top of my hand.

     What makes this so beautiful is the organic growth of the fandom.  There has been fan art galore, stories, a freaking religion, and now the music you hopefully are listening to right now.  It's beautiful.  There is nothing with as much power to bring people together as fandom.  And that is a wonderful thing.  It makes me glad, and gives me hope for humanity that such beauty can come from a group of random strangers working in concert against adversity.  Hope.  Isn't that what religion is all about?

     No, I am not losing my religion.  But I am proud to be a gamer, and I feel privileged and honored to witness the rise of The Blessed Helix Fossil.  The fact that people can come together to create such beauty over something as silly as this gives me real hope for the future of humanity.  Somehow, The Blessed Helix has shown me the light of truth.

     So I'll say it loud.  And I'll say it proud!

     PRAISE HELIX!