Rapture Insurance
How many people do you know who are waiting eagerly for the second coming of Jesus Christ? Who believe that the Rapture™ and the End Times™ are just around the corner? And how many of those people have a friend or relative they are worried about? Well, let's promise them that their unbelieving family will be taken care of via Rapture Insurance! C'mon, if you truly believe the Rapture is coming wouldn't it make sense to make sure your non-believing friends and relatives are taken care of after you are whisked off to heaven? Here's the pitch.
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Are you a devout Christian? Do you believe in the imminent return of your lord and savior, Jesus Christ? Are you prepared for the Rapture, when you will be taken to heaven in a glorious, heavenly, beam of light? Don't you feel secure, knowing that you are avoiding the seven years of chaos known as The Tribulations? Of course you do. You are a believer, a devout man (or woman) of God and this will be your reward for a life of pious devotion!
But.
Do you have a family member or close friend whom you're worried WON'T be going with you? Who might be Left Behind? We all know someone like that. Someone who, no matter how many times we offer to witness to them, no matter how much we pray for them, just refuses to let Jesus Christ into their heart. Its a shame, but the sad truth is some people will need to experience being Left Behind to the Tribulations before they will become true believers. And there's nothing we can do for them, right? After all, we wont be here to protect them anymore.
But what if there WAS something you could do for your non-believing friend? What if there was a way you could make sure they had the best possible chance to stay safe and well during the Tribulations? Wouldn't you jump at that chance? Well, I have the answer for you! Rapture Insurance! Don't you have health insurance on the CHANCE you get sick? Or car insurance on the CHANCE that you get into a wreck? Or even homeowners insurance on the off CHANCE that something happens to your home? Well, isn't the Rapture much more of a certainty than any of those? It only makes sense that you would make sure your whole family is taken care of!
Here's how it works. You sign up for one of our flexible policies, and pay an affordable monthly premium. Then, in the event of Rapture and the chaos that will undoubtedly cause, we make sure you loved one safely receives the full amount, in whatever currency you choose, even Specie (gold or silver) so they have a cash buffer to put themselves in the best possible position to survive the seven years of Tribulations that you safely avoided by being devout. Also, won't knowing that you didn't abandon them, even for heaven, make your loved one all that more likely to accept Jesus and join you in paradise when Armageddon comes?
Now, I can hear some questions bubbling to the top of your astute mind. (I can hear your thoughts, remember?) Don't worry, I'm here to lay all your fears to rest.
- Won't taking care of someone for seven years be expensive? -
Not as much as you think. We have a flexible policy plan just right for your budget! Maybe you want a basic $5,000 policy as a buffer to make sure someone can get out of a stricken area. Or maybe you want the Deluxe $1,000,000 policy to make absolutely sure your loved one is in the best possible position to survive. And we have policies at every stop in between. You tell us how much you can afford to set aside for your loved one, and we can find a policy that fits in with your wishes.
- How will you make sure your policies pay out? Aren't YOU being Raptured? -
No, you see, while I do have the utmost respect for your beliefs, I am CHOOSING not to get saved. I CHOOSE to be left behind and face the Tribulations in order to care for your loved ones. I believe that somebody has to be willing to sacrifice their place in heaven to save as many other people as they can, and, I believe it is the least I can do to repay the kindness that the church has shown my family.
- Just you? How are you going to handle the FLOOD of payouts when the Rapture comes? -
Not just me! That would be silly! I also have a staff of employees who are non-Christians. You would be surprised how many people of other faiths (or no faith at all) are willing to work in an industry with the primary goal of caring for people. My dedicated staff is ready and waiting to do whatever is necessary to prepare your loved ones in the event of Rapture.
So, won't you sign up with us and make sure your non-believer family member will be taken care of even after you have ascended into paradise?
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Rapture Insurance! Its like a bet that you can't lose! Insurance companies all gamble that they won't have to pay off their policies, that's how they can give you a $10,000 policy for $50 a month. Well, this is the only gamble that both sides can be SURE they're going to win! Think about it:
If you aren't a christian, and you think the entire idea of The Rapture is laughable, then join me and sell Rapture Insurance and get paid monthly premiums on a policy you NEVER have to pay out!
If you are a believer, and you know you will be rising into heaven fairly soon, then buy our insurance and pay at most a few years of premiums on policy that gives an exponentially higher payout than you paid in! Your heathen loved one will surely thank you for your foresight!
If you aren't sure, and you want to see how things shake out, but don't trust the corrupt banks to protect your savings, why not take out a policy on yourself? If the Rapture comes and you are left behind then you have a nest egg (worth exponentially more than you paid) to keep you going, if you ARE Raptured then you wont have any use for the money anyway and your policy can go to help someone else. Heck you can even name a secondary beneficiary in case you catch the rising tide, as it were!
Logically speaking, YOU CAN'T SAY NO!
If you are interested in purchasing one of my flexible Rapture Insurance policies for one of YOUR loved ones: Shoot me an email! magicpokey@gmail.com
I look forward to caring for your families!
So, won't you sign up with us and make sure your non-believer family member will be taken care of even after you have ascended into paradise?
- - - - -
Rapture Insurance! Its like a bet that you can't lose! Insurance companies all gamble that they won't have to pay off their policies, that's how they can give you a $10,000 policy for $50 a month. Well, this is the only gamble that both sides can be SURE they're going to win! Think about it:
If you aren't a christian, and you think the entire idea of The Rapture is laughable, then join me and sell Rapture Insurance and get paid monthly premiums on a policy you NEVER have to pay out!
If you are a believer, and you know you will be rising into heaven fairly soon, then buy our insurance and pay at most a few years of premiums on policy that gives an exponentially higher payout than you paid in! Your heathen loved one will surely thank you for your foresight!
If you aren't sure, and you want to see how things shake out, but don't trust the corrupt banks to protect your savings, why not take out a policy on yourself? If the Rapture comes and you are left behind then you have a nest egg (worth exponentially more than you paid) to keep you going, if you ARE Raptured then you wont have any use for the money anyway and your policy can go to help someone else. Heck you can even name a secondary beneficiary in case you catch the rising tide, as it were!
Logically speaking, YOU CAN'T SAY NO!
If you are interested in purchasing one of my flexible Rapture Insurance policies for one of YOUR loved ones: Shoot me an email! magicpokey@gmail.com
I look forward to caring for your families!
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