I know, these things are played out everywhere, especially on the Internet, but don't worry. This one will be a bit different (and hopefully good).
Enjoy!
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So, my buddy Kinka asked me a question a couple days ago, and I think I finally have an answer for him. He asked me about my 'Bucket List'.
For those of you who don't know, a bucket list is a list of stuff you want to do before you die (or 'kick the bucket'). Most people put things like "See Paris at night" or "Tell her I love her" or "Climb Mt. Everest" you know, melodramatic shit that belongs in a Nicholas Sparks movie.
Well, fuck that!
I'm not into that kind of stuff (at least not today), so Ima change it up a bit by making the bucket list for EVERY man. I'm going to research the things the avarage man wants to do before he dies. This is the stuff where, if given the chance, any man would say "Fuck it" and drop everything to take part.
I'm calling this: The Fuckit List.
But you all know me and what a stickler for accuracy I am, so, after the grueling, painstaking research regimen of "Making a bunch of shit up", I came up with Six things that men would give anything to be a part of. So, without further ado, I present to you, the avarage males 'Fuckit List'.
06 - Win the lottery.
- Who doesn't want to win the lottery? Who among you hasn't dreamed of hitting the 40bazillion dollar jackpot and quitting your shitty job on the spot? I know I have. Never having to worry about money again sounds so AWESOME, right? Yeah. I thought so. Winning the lottery has to be on this list.
05 - Drive a really fast car.
- C'mon, you knew this was coming. Name one guy who would pass up the opportunity to redline an Aston Martin or Lambourghini? Protip: You can't. Every man on earth wants to, at least once, push a miracle of technology to it's breaking point at 150mph+. Secretly we kinda want to stick our heads out the window, too. Us and the dog.
04 - Have a Threesome (F/F/M).
- It's said that an avarage male thinks of sex at least once every seventy seconds. This isn't true. The avarage man NEVER STOPS thinking about sex, it just isn't always at the forefront of his mind. Only like 65-70% of the time. Give any avarage guy the chance to have a threesome with two beautiful women and he won't need to think about it. He will have his pants off before you finish your sentence.
03 - Make the game-winning shot/goal/run/point/skeet whatever.
- There's a reason sports movies follow an extremely specific formula, 99% of them end with the protagonists making a last second play to score the last few points needed to win the big game. Then it's cheers and hugs all around. Usually, somebody gets drenched in whatever sports drink paid the most to be featured in the movie. Every man on earth loves the fantasy of beating the odds and being a hero, and nothing gives us that quite like a good sporting event.
02 - Really rub it in that jerk's face.
- Everybody has at least one person who loves to crush their dreams. Constant negativity and snide comments about how 'You'll never make anything of yourself' or 'When are you gonna go out and get a REAL job?' or 'God, I wish my health plan had covered abortions!' Wouldn't you just love to do something really awesome and prove them wrong, just to watch their face when you smear your hard-earned victory all over it? Yeah, that crow tastes pretty good, doesn't it!?
And Finally:
01 - Take part in a heist.
- I mean a heist. Not robbing a 7-11 while wearing a hocky mask or swiping some medium-ticket item from Wal-Mart, I mean a real heist, where you make detailed plans and walk away with millions of dollars worth of loot. Think about it. How cool was Oceans 11? Or Office Space? Or The Italian Job? Or (the first ten minutes of) The Dark Knight? Or about a dozen other heist movies I could name? There's just something unashamedly cool about being in a group of people with specialized skillsets, locating a VERY valuable item, planning a daring heist, and pulling it off with style. Everybody has a job to do; be it the crazy wheelman, the dexterous safe-cracker, the suave frontman, or even the nerdy-but-still-cool tech guy. A well-executed heist is the epitome of cool. I'm also sure you could knock several things off this very list with a heist. Drive the getaway car, get lots of cash, make the last minute move that gets everybody out safely, revel in taking from that jerk the very thing he loves most, a heist is awesome! Plus, did I mention that you get a share of whatever awesome swag you made off with? I posit that taking part in a heist would be the high point of any mans life.
Unless, of course, he got caught. But that's a list for another day.
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So there you have it, The Fuckit List. Can you think of something more? Something I didn't mention? Post your cool Fuckit List ideas in the comments below! See you tomorrow, lovelies!
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